Frog War
by LeFay Strent
Summary: Madness ensues when Ed and Al get lost in a swamp. Dedicated to my loyal readers!
1. Chapter 1

**Here it is peoples! The short random story completely dedicated to my readers who have reviewed on _The Blood Alchemist_. It took me forever to get around to writing it because I was working on a new chapter. But, I have to say, I really enjoyed writing this, especially since your pen names gave me crazy ideas for this. I'm going to be separating this into chapters so don't freak out if you don't find yourself mentioned in the one below. I promise I will be getting to each and everyone of you that reviewed. I'll be updating another chapter on this as soon as possible.**

**Anyways, enjoy!**

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><p>Ed and Al were lost, in a swamp no less.<p>

"We have the worst luck." Ed muttered, kicking away the eleventh frog that had jumped on his foot.

"I told you we should have heeded that sign." Al scolded him.

"That sign told us nothing." Ed retorted. Indeed, before entering this swampy area the brothers had come across a sign. On it read, "warning746". Ed had no idea what it meant and had completely ignored it. Al had been more hesitant but had followed his older brother dutifully. Now they were both paying for it.

"This isn't going very well." Al commented.

"No kidding!" Ed replied sarcastically.

"You don't have to yell!" Al said, shouting himself.

"I'll yell if I want to!" Ed shot back. Another frog hopped onto his boot. "Get off me!" Ed growled, kicking his leg forcefully into the air. The frog went sailing, almost whacking Al's metal face, and landed somewhere past him and beside…

"Hey, who's that?" Ed wondered, exchanging curiosity for rage.

Off in the tall grass was a girl. She sat on a old log staring down at a laptop sitting on her lap. She was so engrossed in what she was typing she didn't even see the brothers.

"Maybe she knows how to get out of here. Let's go ask her!" Al was about to go do just that when Ed stopped him.

"Don't you think it's a little odd that someone's out here in the middle of nowhere?" he asked suspiciously.

"We're out here." Al reminded him.

"…Good point."

Together they approached the girl.

"Excuse us but do you know the quickest way to civilization?" Al asked politely.

The girl didn't respond, almost as if she had never heard them. She stayed focus on the computer, the light of the screen reflecting off of her glasses.

"Hellooo. Anyone alive in there?" Ed waved his hand in front of her.

She swatted him away, eyes never leaving her laptop, "Go away. I'm busy."

Ed was about to react rudely but Al elbowed him. Ed narrowed his eyes at him but surrendered, trying it his way for once. Matching Al's polite tone, Ed asked, "But what could be more important than helping two lost brothers."

Typing furiously, the girl answered, "I'm trying to finish my new chapter so I can update! Go away!"

Ed, face red with anger, marched off. "Come on, Al! We don't need her help."

Al didn't want to give up so easily. He tried to get through to her another way, "What's your name."

Her gaze never left the screen and Al began to worry that she was ignoring him but she answered, "Nayru."

"Nayru, can you please tell me how to get to the nearest town from here."

Still typing, she lifted one hand and pointed in a direction.

"Thank you very much." Al bowed to her and rushed off find Ed.

_ Ten minutes later…_

"Are you sure she said this way?" Ed questioned grumpily.

"Positive." Al affirmed, although it appeared that they were becoming even more hoplessly lost.

All of a sudden, a girl popped out from behind a tree.

"Who are you?" Ed asked.

The girl's eyes glinted as she said, "The name's Bree." She flicked her wrist and a small object flew towards Ed. He ducked, barely escaping the pointy tips of the throwing star.

"What the hell did you do that for!" Ed yelled.

An evil smile crept upon the girls face, "Cause I'm a ninja." Then she cocked her head as if listening to the wind. "Got to go. Katana Miiruken is calling me." Then she bounded away.

"I wonder what that was about." Al said.

"Me too. If I see that chick again she won't get away so easily next time." Ed vowed.

_Another ten minutes later…_

"What's that?" Al asked, as something moved in the bushes.

The brothers prepared for the worst but instead a girl stepped out into the clearing.

"Oh great, someone else. This swamp is just teeming with strange girls." Ed said.

"Hi guys." the new girl greeted them with familiarity.

"Do we know you?" Ed asked with a bored expression. He was positive that he had never seen this girl before in his life. He would have remembered the odd purple streaks in her long hair.

The girl seemed ready to cry, "You don't remember me?"

"Uh, should we?" Al asked.

She let tears stream down her face now, "After all that we've been through I can't believe you guys forgot about me! You're mean!" Then she unceremoniously threw a cookie at Ed's face and ran away.

"Hey!" Ed caught it as it _thunked_ off of his forehead.

"Why did she get so mad?" Al asked mostly to himself.

Ed shouted after her, "I'm eating this!" He then proceeded to chomping off a bite. "Huh, this is pretty good." He was about to go in for another bite when a person jumped out of nowhere and snatched away his cookie and broke it to pieces.

"Hey! What's the big idea?" Ed shouted.

The newcomer's only response was, "I'm the cookie crumbla." Then the person ran back to wherever they came from.

"What in gate's name is going on!" Ed raged. "Where are all these weirdoes coming from?"

"We should leave." Al said nervously.

"That's sounds like a great idea." Ed muttered.

_Another ten minutes later…_

"It's raining." Al observed.

"Thanks, Captain Obvious." Ed said. Already water was beginning to soak his clothes. They needed to find a way to get out of this formidable rain.

Before anything more could be said or done, a teddy bear walked out onto the scene.

"…What is that?" Ed pointed at the thing uncertainly.

"Aw, it's cute!" Al cooed.

"It's moving. Why is a stuffed animal moving!" Ed panicked as the bear padded over to them.

Then the bear drew out a knife and said, "Teddy's not gonna take it anymore."

"I changed my mind. It's not cute after all." Al said.

"Run away!" Ed screamed and they scampered off.

_Another ten minutes later…_

"Is it still following us?" Ed asked, panting.

Al swiveled around, "No. I think we lost it…whatever that was."

"Jeez, this swamp is going to be the death of me."

"This swamp is the least of your concerns." said a voice.

The brothers had already been having a bad day. To make matters worse the homunculi had shown up.

"We have the worst luck." Ed muttered for the second time that day.

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><p><strong>Thanks goes to:<strong>

**warning746**  
><strong>Nayru Elric <strong>  
><strong>Katana Miiruken <strong>  
><strong>raelyn briety royal <strong>  
><strong>Cooky Crumbla <strong>  
><strong>FormidableRain<strong>  
><strong>Teddy1994<strong>

**Again, I say, I will be adding more chapters to this so don't fret my furry friends! The madness has just begun!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Whoo hoo! The second edition of Frog War is here! Not very long but I've been busy working on other things lately. I'll try to update on this as soon as possible but I make no promises.**

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><p>The brothers had already been having a bad day. To make matters worse the homunculi had shown up.<p>

"We have the worst luck." Ed muttered.

Envy stepped into the clearing, flanked by Lust and Gluttony.

"We've been looking for you pipsqueak." Envy said.

Ed growled at him.

"At least the rain's stopping." Al commented.

"Who cares about the stupid rain! Focus, Alphonse!" Ed ordered.

"Oh, right." Al got into a fighting stance.

Envy laughed, "What, are you going to actually fight us?"

"You bet!" Ed grinned menacingly.

"Can I eat them?" Gluttony asked, causing the brothers to grimace.

"No, Gluttony." Lust patted his head. "We've got something special planned for them."

"What are you talking about?" Ed demanded.

Lust smiled, "We didn't come alone. We know you don't have any qualms against fighting us. But what about flesh and blood humans?"

People stepped out into the clearing by the homunculi. These people were definitely human and definitely allied with the homunculi.

Ed and Al were shocked.

"Now you're getting humans to do your dirty work?" Ed asked angrily.

Envy laughed, "We've always gotten you pathetic humans to do our dirty work. Nothing's changed really."

Lust was looking around at the humans with a confused expression. Envy noticed and asked what was wrong.

She answered, "I only see Aubrey09, SakuUzumaki753, insanexnerd1544, and Manga-Otaku121344. Where are all the others?"

"Oh," Envy chuckled, "They got on my nerves so I killed them."

Ed choked out, "How?"

"How?" Envy smiled, "Well, I broke mii is miao mii's neck myself. I tossed NightWing101 into a lake nicely chained up. I gave sakura2112 a death glare and she died on the spot. Tiny teto-chan apparently couldn't survive without a head. And then I got bored so I let Gluttony eat ChozoAlchemist, AnimeVamp1997, SierraPaige, KurmaMustangElric, and Kaisuikage."

Ed roared, "I didn't mean how did you kill them! I meant how could you kill your own followers?"

"Easily." came Envy's smooth reply.

"We had one more." Lust pointed out.

"Oh, yeah." Envy looked up in thought. "Scorpio turned into a Sprite and flew away." Then he shook his head, "Anyway, enough about that. Loyal followers! Attack!"

The followers sprang into action.

Ed and Al followed suit. Ed scanned the immediate area for something he could use to fight. He spotted something and went to grab it but discovered it was only a frog.

"Ah, well." Ed said and hurled the frog at the nearest opponent. The frog smacked the person's face and fell to the ground with a ribbit. "Score!" Ed cheered.

The homunculi followers responded to Ed's attack by throwing frogs of their own and then an all out frog war commenced.

"Not exactly what I expected." Envy admitted from the sidelines.

"Stop fighting!" A voice called out.

Everyone stopped to look at the newcomer. They stepped out, holding some odd object.

"Stop fighting." they commanded and held up the object. "And listen to me play!" The object turned out to be an ocarina.

Envy, annoyed, shouted, "Attack!"

The followers did as told. They chased Katelyn Azura ParasiteX off of the scene and pursued her.

"There they go." Envy sighed.

"Now what are we going to do?" Lust asked.

"Break for lunch?" Ed suggested.

They all agreed to resume the battle after a short intermission.

_Ten minutes later…_

"Okay, where were we?" Ed asked.

"We were about to fight the homunculi." Al reminded him.

"Right." Ed nodded and assumed a fighting stance.

"Can I eat them?" Gluttony asked again.

"No, I've got a better idea." Envy grinned.

Lust's eyes widened in surprise, "You don't mean…"

"I do." Envy said, smile getting bigger. Lust seemed wary all of a sudden and maybe even a little scared. What could make Lust scared?

"Time to reveal our secret weapon!" Envy announced, throwing something to the ground.

A bright flash of light blinded the brothers and they had to look away. After several moments, the light faded and the brothers could see a figure standing in the middle of the clearing.

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><p><strong>Sorry to end it there but I am a fan of cliffhangers. I'm already scheming the next chapter. hee hee.<strong>

**Thanks goes to:**** Aubrey09, SakuUzumaki753, insanexnerd1544, Manga-Otaku121344, mii is miao mii, NightWing101, sakura2112, Tiny teto-chan, ChozoAlchemist, AnimeVamp1997 (aka Your Majesty), SierraPaige, KurmaMustangElric, Kaisuikage, ScorpioSprite, Katelyn Azura ParasiteX**


	3. Chapter 3

**I finally got around to writing this. I wrote it at 3 o'clock in the morning so don't judge me. I was pretty loopy with sleep deprivation and that resulted in this crazy chapter. My little sister tells me that I should always write when I'm sleep deprived. Tell me if she's right.**

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><p>"Time to reveal our secret weapon!" Envy announced, throwing something to the ground.<p>

A bright flash of light blinded the brothers and they had to look away. After several moments, the light faded and the brothers could see a figure standing in the middle of the clearing.

He stood there with a malicious smile as he eyed Ed and Al, "Good evening. My name's Roku."

Ed's eyes widened in horror as he recognized the name, "No! Anything but him!" Al was equally horrified.

"Make this quick." Envy commanded.

Roku's smile deepened, "Alright then. But I'd stand back if I were you. This may get a bit messy."

The homunculi did as he suggested while the Elrics were frozen in fear. Roku assumed a hunched stance, placing his palms together as he chanted, "Ro-ku-chu-chu. Ro-ku-chu-chu. Ro-ku-chu-chu."

A mist appeared around him, shrouding him. Crackles of energy began to spark within the mist.

"Ro-ku-chu-chu. Ro-ku-chu-chu!"

With his final chant, the mist thickened to the point where he could not be seen. Another bright flash of light blinded everyone. Then his spell was complete.

Roku's voice rang out, "Behold! My summoned creature! Fear its mighty wrath!"

The mist dissipated, leaving a small creature visible.

Ed sweat dropped, "That's so not what I was expecting."

"It's so cute!" Al cheered.

The creature meowed at them.

Roku grinned evilly, " Let me introduce you to Ed'.Kitten. Don't be deceived by its cuteness. Its vicious."

Ed laughed, "You're telling me that little fur ball is supposed to make me scared? I don't think so pal."

Roku narrowed his eyes, "You'll see. Go my pet!"

Suddenly, the cat's eyes turned black and it jumped into the air faster than you can say " ". It pounced on Ed's face and began clawing him like he was a scratching post.

"Ah! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!" Ed began flailing around.

"Hold still, Brother!" Al shouted as he chased him around in a circle.

"!" said Envy. Roku frowned at him. Envy stopped abruptly and asked annoyed, "What? Aren't you going to laugh?"

Roku shook his head, "Cackling evilly is so overrated. I rather show my amusement with a smirk. Just like the great Flame Alchemist."

Meanwhile, in Central, Roy Mustang was sitting at his desk when he sneezed.

"Are you alright, sir? Are you getting sick?" Riza asked him, concerned.

Roy shook his head, "Nah. It's probably just some pretty girl talking about me somewhere."

_Back at the swamp of doom…_

"Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!"

"I would if you'd just hold still!"

"What are you doing Envy?" Lust asked.

"I'm getting this all on video." Envy replied, recording the whole thing on his phone.

"You guys are hopeless." A new voice announced. From out of the bushes stepped a new person. They opened up a can and sat it on the ground.

The cat immediately left Ed to go eat the offered can of cat food.

"How did you know to do that?" Al asked the girl, amazed.

"Duh. Animals are my life." she said, then walked back to wherever she came from.

"My face! My beautiful face!" Ed cried, pawing at his scratched up cheeks. He turned to Roku and glared at him, "You'll pay for that!"

Roku held up his hands in surrender, "Don't look at me. I'm just doing what I've been ordered to. But, I'll tell you what," Then he reached behind his back and pulled out a pie, "I'll give you this as an apology." He handed Ed the pie.

Ed looked down at the gift with a surprised expression. It smelled good. "Fine. I'm going to eat this but then I'm going to beat you to a pulp."

Ed went to take a bite but Al stopped him, "No! You can't eat that!"

"Why not?" Ed asked in irritation.

"That's dangerous pie!"

"Gotcha!" Roku chuckled as the pie exploded in Ed's face.

"Why you!" Ed seethed, face covered in pie. Steam rose over his head as his anger boiled over. "I'll get you for this!"

Ed went to punch but Roku evaporated into thin air. Ed caught himself and looked around, "Where'd he go?"

"Wow. He didn't stay long." Envy commented.

"At least he didn't cause so much trouble this time." Lust said.

Envy laughed, "Yeah, I remember. We summoned him to fight Elementess and then-"

"I thought I told you never to speak of that again!" Lust glowered at him.

Gluttony placed his hands on the sides of his head and whined, "Not the chickens again."

Lust shuddered as she remembered, "Yes, that alchemist possessed terrible powers. Let's not talk about it."

"Whatever." Envy shrugged. "Let's kill them already." The other homunculi nodded and then the three of them began attacking Ed and Al in earnest.

_Ten minutes later…_

"Done! Whew, finally." Nayru breathed a sigh of relief. She had at last completed her chapter and could make her next update. She closed her laptop in satisfaction and looked up. What she saw made her jaw drop.

"Oh my God! It's _them_!" Nayru said as she watched the Fullmetal Alchemist and his brother fight against three of the homunculi. Then Nayru shook her head and laughed at her silliness, "What am I saying? Fullmetal Alchemist isn't real. I must have been breathing swamp fumes for too long. I'm seeing things." Then she walked away from the scene.

The battle waged on. Ed and Al fought off their enemies to the best of their abilities but this fight was going nowhere.

"Brother! Nothing's working!" Al said.

"I know. Just keep trying!" Ed told him. He threw a punch here, a kick there, but nothing fazed the homunculi. Although the brothers may be holding their own, eventually the homunculi would gain the upper hand. They needed a miracle to save them now.

Then an idea sprang in Ed's head, "I know!" Ed stopped fighting and cleared his throat and sang, "_Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!_"

A man in a business suit appeared before him. "You rang?"

"Yeah, we need a little help." Ed gestured towards the homunculi.

"Okay." the man nodded and, faster than you can say " mushratheenterrancant log in", a figure in a cloak of mystery appeared.

"Um, who's that?" Ed asked.

The person said, "I am the ultimate fan girl!" She threw the cloak of mystery off and, 'lo and behold, there stood YourSecretStalker . "Nobody is going to lay a hand on my man!" She pulled out a rather large fish and began chasing the homunculi with it.

Ed scowled at the State Farm agent, "That's not help! That's one of those crazed fan girls that has been stalking me! What kind of agent are you?"

The agent laughed nervously, "Sorry, I'm just filling in for someone."

"Brother!" Al got Ed's attention. "Can you feel that? The ground is shaking."

Ed looked down and realized his brother was right, "It is…Wait a minute! You can't feel anything Al! How did you know?"

Al rubbed the back of his neck, "Um, the author told me?"

Ed would have said more but a large crowd burst onto the scene. They stampeded in, trampling YourSecretStalker. They didn't stop there, they trampled the homunculi too. They stopped though when they saw Ed.

"There he is!" one of them said, pointing at Ed.

"Oh no." Ed whispered in horror.

A girl in the front began yelling to the other girls, "Our mission is to take Edward Elric for ourselves. Jennii! Lexia! Moka-girl! IceFire Dragon Alchemist73! lonewolfgirl-sademo588! AuthorChick96! Ashleyelric! ChristianGirl1023! Fate's Obsession! Let's get him! Fan girls unite!"

"Not again!" Ed said as he ran for his life.

Al went and cried in a corner, "Why does Ed always get the fan girls?"

"Alright. That's it!" Envy drug himself off of the ground and threw something into the air.

"No Envy! Anything but that!" Lust tried to stop him but she was too late.

A flash of light engulfed the area as something else was summoned. Something even more terrifying than Roku.

Everyone stopped to take in the new sight. Al looked over from where he was crying. YourSecretStalker pulled her face out of the dirt to watch. All of the girls who had been climbing over Ed stopped their pursuit and stared. Even Ed with his now ripped clothing froze in his attempt to fight off the fan girls to watch.

"Envy, you've gone too far this time." Lust said. Envy just laughed manically. Gluttony had already fled the area before Envy had even finished the summoning.

All at once everyone in the clearing gasped, "Cursed Bunny!" They all scattered and ran for the hills. Even the homunculi. Envy was the only one left.

"That was priceless." Envy grinned, walking over to the tiny bunny. He looked down at it, "Honestly. I don't know why Lust was so against me using this thing. It doesn't seem the least bit scary."

That's when the bunny opened its mouth and swallowed Envy whole. Then it bounced away with a full tummy

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><p><strong>Poor Envy.<strong>

**Anyways, I'll update on this next weekend. There will always be more chapters for this story as long as I continue to get reviews for TBA. But I also appreciate reviews for this one as well.**

.


	4. Chapter 4

**S'up peoples? I know this chapter is way overdue but I've been working on my other stuff. I worked on it all day today though so I could post it this weekend. And I just want to apologize to the people I've used in this if I got your gender wrong. I'm sorry, I can't tell by some of your names. But your names give me crazy ideas for this.**

**In the last chapter I forgot to list who was in it so I'll do that now. Thanks goes to Rokuchuchu, Ed'.Kitten, , Animals are my life, xxDarngerousPiexx, Elementess, mushratheenterrancant log in, YourSecretStalker (I love you little sis!), Jennii, Lexia, Moka-girl, IceFire Dragon Alchemist73, lonewolfgirl-sademo588, AuthorChick96, Ashelyelric, Christian Girl 1023, Fate's Obsession, Cursed Bunny.**

**Whew, that's a lot of people. I hope I got them all listed. Anyway, on with the chapter! Note: in the last chapter Ed and Al left the swamp at the end. But what's going on in this chapter?...**

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><p>Ed and Al awoke in a thick fog.<p>

"Where are we?" Ed groaned sitting up.

"I don't know." Al replied, sitting up as well. "I…passed out somehow."

Ed looked to his brother but he seemed fine now. "I passed out too. I don't know how. I can't remember."

"Do you want to find the answer which you seek?"

Ed and Al looked up to find the owner of the voice.

"I am known as ZodiarkSavior. I can help you find the answer if that is what you wish."

"…Okaaay." Ed said, thoroughly weirded out.

"Follow me." ZodiarkSavior nodded and went into the thick of the fog.

"Should we?" Al asked nervously.

"We've got no other choice." Ed shrugged and got off of the ground. They hurried after their only lead.

"Where are we?" Al asked the mysterious stranger.

"You should know. You've been here before." ZodiarkSavior said smoothly. The fog ended abruptly, giving them a clear view of the area.

"A swamp?" Al questioned, confused.

"Wait, it can't be!" Ed cried, horror struck.

"What is it Brother?"

"This isn't just any swamp. It's _the_ swamp."

"You don't mean that creepy one we got lost in, do you?"

"I do." Ed affirmed. He turned to question ZodiarkSavior but no one was there. "Where did…" Ed trailed off.

"Mwahahahaha!" came an eerie cackle from the distance.

"Brother?" Al squeaked.

Ed gulped, "Yeah, I heard it too." Then he swallowed his fear and trudged forward, "Come on."

"But-" Al objected. Realizing that Ed was serious he ran after him, "Wait for me!"

They wandered through the wilderness, following the sounds of the evil laughter. When they found the origin of it, they were stupefied.

A girl dressed all in black, including a black pointy hat, was leaning over a cauldron. She stirred the liquid inside, cackling menacingly as she did.

"Um…" Al began thoughtfully.

The girl looked up at them, halting her wild laughter. Her face transformed from dark amusement to open friendliness, "Oh, hi there!"

The brothers exchanged a nervous glance. "Hi." they returned weakly.

"Want some?" the girl gestured to the cauldron.

"What is it?" Al asked politely.

"Kool-Aid."

They shook their heads. "Who are you?" Ed asked.

"Ugh, where are my manners? Sorry, I'm Raven."

"Right, Raven. Can you tell us how to get out of this place?"

Her eyes darkened, "You want to leave?"

"Uh, yeah…"

"Never!" she screamed. Then she pointed her finger at them, "Get them my pet!"

A tiny figure stepped around the cauldron. Immediately, the brothers paled.

"It's back!" Ed screamed, staring wide eyed at the moving teddy bear.

"Oh, look. It got a new knife." Al commented, distracted.

"Run away!" Ed grabbed Al and hightailed it out of there.

_Ten minutes later…_

"I…hate…this place." Ed huffed from all the running.

"I think we lost it." Al said.

"Thank Gate."

Then Ed was glomped to the ground.

"Gah!" Ed fell over with someone on top of him. He looked down at the person. "Who are you?" he demanded.

"I'm very pleased." they said. Then as suddenly as they had appeared, the person got up and ran off.

"That was…strange." Al said.

Ed picked himself up off the ground and brushed the dirt off his clothes in frustration. "I hate this place." he repeated.

"Brother!" Al exclaimed, pointing past him.

Immediately, Ed spun around. He had expected an enemy but nothing was there. He turned back to Al who seemed to be panicking, "What is it, Alphonse?"

"You can't see it?" Al asked, voice trembling as he stared at what appeared to be nothing.

Ed looked back and forth between Al and what he was pointing at, "No. There's nothing there."

"It's a person but they're see through." Al explained, his voice rising higher with his fear.

Ed's eyebrows furrowed at Al's strange behavior, "Al, have you been drinking too much red water?"

Al didn't answer. Instead, he took a step back and screamed, "Get away from me!" Then his whole body shuddered violently. Afterwards, he became eerily still.

"Al?" Ed asked in a subdued tone.

"There is no Al here." a different voice came from Al's armor. "I am TheCrimsonGhost309! Bwahahaha!"

"Okay, this is creepy." Ed said, taking steps back away from the possessed armor.

"I have come to deliver a message." it went on.

"And that would be?"

"Beware FullMetalWizardNerd7!" the voice cried. Then it dissipated, leaving Al altogether.

"Brother?" Al's voice asked.

"Al?"

"What just happened?"

"…I have no idea."

They decided that it was just too weird and they would try to move on past it and find a way out of the godforsaken swamp.

_Ten minutes later…_

"I don't think we're getting anywhere." Ed grumbled.

"I'm starting to think this place goes on forever." Al agreed.

Ed sunk to his knees and screamed in desperation, "How do we get out of here? Just send me a sign!"

Al tapped him on his shoulder.

"What?" the older Elric asked.

Al said nothing. He pointed past him. Ed looked up and, lo and behold, there was a sign on a post.

"Well, that's freakish." Ed admitted. He hadn't really expected his desperate plea to work and it kinda creeped him out that it had.

They walked over to the sign and looked at it curiously. On the sign was: _yyh-ygo-fma._

A vain throbbed on Ed's forehead as he bellowed, "I ask for a sign and I get it and I don't even know what the hell it means!"

"I can tell you what it means."

The brothers turned around at the voice and found a scrawny kid with glasses standing behind them.

"Hello. Who are you?" Al asked calmly.

"I go by FullMetalWizardNerd7 but you can call me Bob."

Ed raised his eyebrows, "Isn't FullMetalWizardNerd7 the person the ghost thing warned us about?"

Al shrugged, not remembering since he had been possessed at the time.

"You must have ran into TheCrimsonGhost309." the kid concluded.

"Why did it warn us against you?" Ed asked, scanning the kid. He seemed harmless enough.

FullMetalWizardNerd7 chuckled, "He's just grumpy because I stole his cupcake."

"Oh…" the brothers murmured. They were both thinking how weird this kid was.

"And I was the one who killed him."

"…Come again?" Ed asked. "Did you just say you killed him?"

"Yes. But honestly, I'm really just an innocent psycho." he smiled brightly.

"Al." Ed whispered to his brother. "Back away nice and slowly."

The strange kid, still smiling, pointed his finger to the sky, "Look up."

They did as he commanded. They looked just in time to see a girl fall from the sky and right in front of them.

"What the-!" Ed blurted, hiding behind Al. He peeked around the suit of armor to peer at the girl.

"Are you okay?" Al asked her.

"Ow." the girl groaned as she stood and rubbed her back. "I'm never trying that again."

"Um, what were you doing and why did you just fall out of the sky?" Ed asked, stepping around Al.

She looked at them and then waved the questions away, "You don't want to know."

"Hey, he's gone!" Al gasped.

"Who?" the girl asked curiously.

"FullMetalWizardNerd7." Ed stated, looking around the area wondering where he had run off to. Not that he was complaining but it made him nervous not knowing where he had went.

The girl growled at that.

"What, you know him?" Ed asked.

She nodded, "And when I find him I'm gonna kill him!"

"What did he do to piss you off?"

"That bastard stole my cupcake!" she fumed.

"Uh, my name's Alphonse." Al tried to distract the furious girl. "Who are you?"

The girl sighed, reigning in her anger. "I'm KikiElric Goddess of Alchemy. I'm a State Alchemist."

"Seriously?" Ed asked. "Same here. I'm the Fullmetal Alchemist."

"Yeah, I know." she replied nonchalantly.

"What? How?" he sputtered.

Kiki rolled her eyes, "ZodiarkSavior sent me to help you guys."

"You know that weirdo?" Ed asked, surprised.

"Unfortunately." she said, voice strained.

"He mentioned something about finding an answer." Al said.

"Yeah, I'm supposed to help you find the answer."

"The answer to what?" asked Ed.

Kiki shrugged, "Beats me."

"Aren't you a lot of help?" Ed said sarcastically.

She narrowed her eyes at them, "Do you want my help or not? Cause I'm pretty sure I know a hell of a lot more about what's going on here than you do."

"Have you been here before or something?" Al asked.

She grimaced, "Not exactly. My uncle came here once, though."

"Who's your uncle?"

"Roy Mustang." she said. She went on, not noticing how the brothers gaped at her, "He was trying to find the way to Candy Mountain with some friend named Charlie. Uncle Roy and Charlie got lost in this place and lots of things happened. _Bad_ things. Charlie didn't make it back."

"What happened to him?" Al's voice quivered.

"I'm not really sure. All I know is it started with christmas tree cookies and stuffed animals and it all went down hill from there."

The brothers nodded. They could understand all too well about the stuffed animals. They had never been able to look at teddy bears the same way ever again after they had escaped the swamp the first time. As for the cookies, they decided not to comment on that.

"So how did Mustang get out of this place?" Ed asked the girl.

"First we-" Kiki began but she was cut off when all hell broke loose.

A group of people entered the area and Kiki immediately recognized them. She assumed a fighting stance, knowing that a brawl was about to commence. Conrad1998, who was armed with two deadly blades, MusicalXMolly, who seemed cute and innocent but rode around on a pogo stick of death and loved nothing more than to bounce on people to death, adiza, who held a whip at the ready, and finally Morpheus9494, who lugged around a giant bazooka. They had come prepared to fight to the death.

"Get ready you guys." Kiki told the brothers. They quickly followed her lead. She jumped into the fray first and Ed and Al were about to join her but then they stared in awe as Kiki unleashed her wrath upon them.

In the end, there was much rubble, many upturned and cut down trees, numerous craters in the ground, and four fallen bad guys.

"That takes care of that." Kiki smirked, brushing her hands together in satisfaction.

Ed was the first to get over his shock. "That was amazing! I've never seen alchemy used like that!"

She shrugged, "What can I say? The talent runs in the family."

Ed snorted, "You're not referring to Colonel Bastard, are you?"

Kiki instantly knew who he meant, "Hell no! I was talking about my cousin, Elementess."

"Didn't Lust say something about an Elementess?" Ed asked his brother.

"Yeah, the last time we were here." Al nodded.

"Lust the homunculus?" Kiki asked and they nodded. "Yeah, she went up against the Homunculi and they summoned Roku cause she was totally kicking their asses. But that turned out to be a mistake because Roku wasn't in a good mood that day and he wasn't too happy about them summoning him."

Ed and Al were about to question her more on the subject but someone jumped out of the bushes, surprising them.

"Who are you?" the three of them asked in unison.

"Wolpy." was the only answer they got. Then they watched as Wolpy pulled out odd things and tossed them over the fallen bad guys. Sparkles and light surrounded each of the bodies, healing their wounds. They opened their eyes and rose to their feet, ready to fight again.

"Hey!" Kiki stomped her feet angrily as she glared at Wolpy. "You can't use phoenix downs! That's not fair! This isn't freaking Final Fantasy for God's sakes!"

Wolpy smiled, "My bad," then ran off.

"That little turd." Kiki seethed.

"Um, they're up again and now they've got more with them. What do we do?" Al asked. As he had said, more had joined the bad guys. Dently12, sporting a mace, animeotaku123, wearing gloves with spikes on the knuckles, and XXeDA The Amiss, using a bow. Now it was seven to three.

"What else? We fight!" Kiki said confidently. "Though I may need you guys on this one. I'm kinda of tired out from the last round."

"We've got your back." Ed grinned as he and Al flanked her. Then the battle commenced.

_Ten minutes later…_

The battle was still waging on and all of the people were fighting with everything they had.

Finally, an onlooker, who they hadn't noticed before, had had enough.

"Stop this!" the person cried.

Everyone froze to stare at the newcomer.

xXEmiShaeXx stood there, pleading, "Stop this nonsense. It's crazy!"

They all looked at him.

"Why?" Ed asked.

"Don't you see what's going on here?" EmiShae asked. "This is all LeFay's doing. She's written that you guys fight. She's manipulating you. Stop this madness!"

"Say what?" I asked, looking up from my laptop.

"Is this true?" Ed asked fiercely, stomping over to me.

I stared up at him, "Uh, yeah. Kinda."

Ed exploded, "What the hell! You freaking madwoman! You've been putting us through all this crap! Why?"

I shrugged, "It entertains my readers."

"Oh, and you couldn't have come up with something better than this crazy ass place?"

I frowned, "What, you think you can write something better?"

"Damn straight!" Ed yelled, snatching the laptop away from me. He paused for a moment. Then smirked, "I think I have a better idea."

I could see what he was about to do and I began in my most calm voice, "Ed, you don't want to do that. If you do there will be severe consequences."

Ed's smirk remained, "Oh, well." Then he threw the computer to the ground and did a tap dance on it, smashing it to pieces.

My jaw dropped. I looked up at his smiling face, "What have you done? You've doomed us all!"

Ed rolled his eyes, "Whatever."

"No, you don't understand. I put a program on my computer and it would activate itself in the event of the destruction of the laptop. Now we're all gonna die!" I screamed.

"Why'd you put something stupid like that on it in the first place then?" Ed shouted back at me.

"I don't know! I was bored!"

"Just calm down." Al told us. "If we work together we can sort this out. Now, what was the program?"

I sighed, "You'll find out in ten minutes."

Ed groaned, "What is it with you and ten minutes?"

"Brother, be nice. She is the author after all."

"She's put us through hell and you want me to be nice to her? No way!"

Al let out a sigh of his own. Then he caught site of something and asked, "Um…what are they doing?"

We looked to see what he was staring at and found that Kiki, EmiShae, and the former bad guys were all sitting around a table having a tea party.

"That's freakish." Ed muttered. Then called louder, "What are you doing Kiki?"

"We're having tea at a tea party! We just adore parties and tea!" she laughed in a British accent.

"What's going on?" Al asked.

Ed turned to me, "Yeah. Why are they acting like that? Especially Kiki. She seemed like the most normal person we've met in this place and now she's gone loony."

I rubbed my eyes tiredly, "It's side effects of the program I installed on my computer. Weird stuff is going to keep happening until the ten minutes are up."

"Weird stuff like what?"

I looked up and tried not to laugh, "Like that?"

He looked down at himself when I pointed at him and he gasped, "What the hell? Why am I wearing a maid's uniform? Where'd my clothes go? Someone's going to pay for this!"

"I feel pretty!" Al said happily, wearing his own maid's uniform over his armor.

Ed face palmed, "Just do me a favor and shoot me in the head."

"It's almost here." I warned them.

Ed started, "It hadn't been ten minutes yet, has it?"

I shrugged, "What can I say? Time flies when you're having fun."

Then it happened. Out of the bushes came the fiercest creature I had ever seen.

Everyone stared at in horror and shouted, "Cursed bunny!" Everything soon became chaos.

"Kiki!" I shouted over the commotion.

"I'm here!" she yelled back. She pushed her way through somehow and mad it over to us. "This is turning into a bloodbath."

"Get us out of here. Fast!" I told her.

She saluted me with a grin, "Right boss."

"How is she going to do that?" Al asked.

"Kiki has very special alchemy and can use it to basically teleport people." I explained.

"Yeah right." Ed scoffed.

"Here we go!" Kiki announced and grabbed onto all of us. The scene around us disappeared as she teleported us.

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><p><strong>Props go to Taylor for giving me the idea of the girl falling out of the sky.<strong>

**I have no idea where I'm going with this and I have no clue when the next chapter will be but as long as there are people reviewing _TBA_ I will continue this story.**

**Thanks goes to: ZodiarkSavior, Raven, very pleased, TheCrimsonGhost309, FullMetalWizardNerd7, yyh-ygo-fma, Innocent-Psycho, KikiElric Goddess of Alchemy, Christmas Tree Cookie, Conrad 1998, MusicalXMolly, adiza, Morpheus9494, Wolpy, Dently12, animeotaku123, XXeDA The Amiss, xXEmiShaeXx.**

**Until next time my pretties!**


	5. Chapter 5

**So...this is pretty random. Sometimes, I just don't know how I come up with crap like this. But people enjoy it so it must be the good kind of crap...There's a good kind of crap?...**

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><p>For many moments the world spun around us in an incomprehensible blur. Slowly, our surroundings came into focus.<p>

"Whoa, I forgot how spinny everything gets when you do that." I told Kiki while shaking my head to clear it.

"I think I'm gonna be sick." Ed informed us. Indeed, his face had turned a shade of green. "Never do that again."

"Sorry for saving you." Kiki spout back in irritation. "Next time I'll just leave you to die."

"Let's do that again!" Al cheered, having enjoyed the teleportation experience more than the rest of us.

"No." Ed and I responded at the same time. Ed shot a glare at me and I sent him one back.

"Way to go, LeFay." Ed grumbled.

"Excuse me? I'm not the one who did a freaking tap dance on my laptop!"

"Are you saying that this is my fault?" he asked incredulously.

"Nooo." I droned sarcastically.

Ed fumed, "If you hadn't have written us in this stupid place then we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place!"

"You obviously don't have enough faith in my writing skills. No matter how bad the situation is that I write you in is, I always find someway to get you out of it. You should be thanking me."

Steam began pouring from Ed's ears as he lunged for me. Luckily, Al caught him and held the enraged alchemist in his firm grip.

"Brother! Clam down. Fighting won't solve anything."

"But it'll make me feel better!"

Kiki, having heard enough of this, clasped her hands together and chanted softly. A puff of smoke erupted in between the quarrelling teens, causing them to fall silent. When the smoke cleared, a small creature sat there.

"What is that?" Ed asked in bewilderment.

Kiki smiled, "Let me introduce you to a friend of mine. BlackFoxxKat."

As the name implied, the creature resembled a mix between a fox and a cat. It's build was that of a regular fox. It's glossy fur was black with the exceptions of it's dark red paws and red above the eyes. The eyes themselves were large and luminous and a slightly lighter red than it's fur.

The animal grinned and spoke with a purring voice, "Hi there."

"It talks!" Al exclaimed.

Kiki frowned, "I'd appreciate it if you didn't refer to her as an 'it'."

"Sorry." Al apologized sheepishly. "But how did you she get here?"

Kiki shrugged, "I summoned her. My powers are similar to that of Roku's. We each have an animal we can call. Mine is BlackFoxxKat. I think you already met Roku's pet."

Ed growled, "Yeah, and that thing nearly mauled my face off!"

"You probably deserved it." Kiki smirked.

"Shut up!" Ed yelled back.

"Oh, am I making the shrimp mad?"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SHRIMP SO TINY THAT HE CAN FIND SHADE UNDER A BLADE OF GRASS!"

Ed had lunged towards Kiki with the full intention of murdering her in the worst way possible when BlackFoxxKat acted. She leapt up gracefully and bit Ed's arm.

"Yow!" he cried and swatted at the animal. She let go too fast for him to hit her. She darted back stealthily to Kiki's side. Ed seethed, "Why the hell did you…Wait…Why do I feel so…dizzy…" Then he fell forward.

"Brother!" Al caught him before he could make a faceplant.

"Don't worry Al. He's fine." I assured him.

"But what's wrong with him?"

"I bit him." BlackFoxxKat told him. "My bite induces sleep to incapacitate my enemies. It comes quite in handy from time to time."

"Like now." Kiki agreed. "That'll shut the shrimp up for a while."

"So what do we do until he wakes up?" Al asked.

"We carry on with the mission." Kiki reminded him.

"…And what was the mission again?"

"Oh boy." Kiki smacked her forehead. "You're supposed to find 'the answer which you seek', or whatever crap that ZodiarkSavior was goin on about. You guys won't get out of this swamp until you do."

"Where do we start?" Al asked.

Kiki just shook her head, annoyed at how many questions the boy kept asking.

"We go there." I answered him, pointing past him.

He turned around and gasped, "How long has that been there?"

Kiki snorted, "Since we got here. You're just so unobservant that you hadn't noticed it yet."

There, in the middle of the swamp, stood a building that appeared to be a bar. The structure was made mostly of wood and had a sign up at the top that read "thetonks305".

"If it's alright with you I'll go ahead and leave." BlackFoxxKat told Kiki. "You know how much I despise this place."

Kiki nodded and said, "I know. This place annoys me too. But I have to stick around and help these bozos."

BlackFoxxKat grinned impishly at her, "Good luck!" In another cloud of smoke the animal disappeared.

"Let's get this over with." Kiki sighed as we went up the steps to the bar.

Kiki and I already knew what to expect but Al was taken by surprise. He gasped as he took in the odd sight.

The bar had many tables strewn around the large room and all of them were filled with patrons. Nothing unusual about that right? Well, these patrons weren't exactly normal.

Ed chose that moment to wake up. Apparently, BlackFoxxKat's bite's effects had worn off and he was coming to his senses. He stumbled out of his brother's grasp and took in the bar with bleary eyes. When he comprehended what he was seeing he let out in a strangled gasp, "Llamas?"

"Yep." I said.

"Unfortunately." said Kiki.

"This is weird." was Al's input.

"What the hell are llamas doing at a bar?" Ed asked in astonishment.

All of the llamas in the room turned to look at Ed. They stared at him with intelligent eyes.

The closest one said, "We aren't just llamas."

The brothers both let out startled gasps. For a minute, all they could do was gape. Then Ed asked slowly as if he wasn't sure he was in a dream or not, "Then what are you?"

The same llama put on shades and announced, "We're llamas that rap!"

Suddenly, the bar transformed into a club as the llamas moved to take positions and bring out lights and giant speakers hooked up to the mixer that a D.J. (who was yet another llama) stood at. The main llama stood in the center of the room while a posse of llamas crowded around him.

Then he began to rap, "_Llama this! Llama that! Llama, llama this that! Llamas here! Llamas there! Llamas, llamas everywhere!_"

While the brothers watched in amazement, Kiki plugged her ears. I just watched with a bored expression. It's not like any of this could surprise me.

_Ten minutes of llama rapping later…_

"ENOUGH!" Kiki screeched. The room of llamas grew quiet and the music died. "Stop rapping about stupid ass llamas! I can't take it anymore!"

The llamas just stared at her. Then one said, "Uhhh, no!"

"Excuse me?" Kiki gritted her teeth.

"There is only one thing that will make us stop."

She raised an eyebrow, "And that would be?"

"We're not telling you! HAHAHAHA!"

"You rotten, little-!"

I placed a hand on her shoulder before she could start a llama massacre, "I know how to handle this."

She gave me a questioning glance but nodded. She stepped back and let me take the lead. I drew in a deep breath and shouted at the top of my lungs, "ELIZA BOEING!"

Ed, who had been still staring at the llamas with his jaw dropped, snapped out of his daze and asked, "Who is Eliza Boeing?"

I grinned mischievously, "The leader of the hillbilly mob."

At that moment, the door burst open and a swarm of hillbillies, all armed with pitchforks and torches, rushed into the room and chased the llamas around. Eliza herself was heading the charge. The llamas panicked and ran for their lives. The animals ran outside, being chased by the hillbillies all the way.

"Thanks Eliza!" I shouted to her.

"Anytime!" she called back to me and left with the others in pursuit of the llamas.

Ed shook his head, "I didn't think this place could get any stranger."

Kiki just reacted by laughing her tail off. Al was still stunned from when the llamas had started rapping.

I sighed, "Let's go do what we came here for."

"What did we come here for?" Ed asked while waving his hand in front of Al's helmet.

"To see The Cookster."

"The what?"

"Just come on." I grumbled and stalked off towards the kitchen of the bar.

"But Al-" he began worriedly but I cut him off.

"Kiki." I ordered.

"Alright!" she shouted in excitement. She put her hands together and began chanting a different spell than the one from earlier. When she was done a large cloud of smoke filled the room.

Now standing in front of Al was a girl holding an electric guitar that plugged up to an oversized amp.

"You know what to do Lizzy." Kiki said.

The girl, Lizzy, nodded. She swung her arm in an arc and strummed down on the strings. The sound amplified by the amp had enough force behind it to knock Al off his feet.

Then she gave the 'rock on' hand sign and poofed out of the room.

"I love my job." Kiki said with a smile. "Lizzy rocks!"

I nodded in agreement.

"What just happened?" Al groaned, getting up.

"Sam old, same old." I shrugged.

"You say that as if these kinds of things are regular occurrences for you." Ed accused.

I shrugged again, "What can I say? I lead a very interesting life."

Ed snorted, "What life? All you ever do is sit around on your computer and write all day."

I growled at him, "At least I'm not an unsociable little shrimp like you! I at least have friends."

He roared, "I'm not little! And I have friends!"

"Yeah, like two." I giggled. "Mr. Social Skills, you are not."

"Whatever!" he yelled back at me. "You probably don't have any more than I do!"

"I have many thank you very much."

"I don't see why anyone would want to be friends with you."

"They love me for my fluffyness."

"You're what?"  
>"My fluffyness." I nodded. Then I pulled out a medium sized box that had the word 'fluffyness' written across it. "See?"<p>

"What's in it?" Al asked curiously.

I smiled, "Cursed Bunnies."

Ed's eyes nearly fell out of his eyes, "Why on Earth would you carry around a box of those monstrosities?"

"Cursed Bunnies, with the right amount of training, can be affectionate pets. But that's not all I have in here. Look!" I lifted the lid open enough for the animal to jump out. "A DiscoGiraffe!"

"Aaaaaahh!" Ed screamed in surprise. "How the hell did you even fit something that big in there?"

"I have my ways."

"Why is it wearing a tutu?" Al asked.

"Beats me."

"Um, boss?" Kiki asked.

"Oh, right." I reopened the box and let the giraffe hop back in. "Sorry. I got sidetracked there for a moment. What were we doing?"

"We were about to go meet with The Cookster." Kiki reminded me.

"Okey dokie." I said and led the way to the kitchen. We all went in and found who we had been looking for.

"LeFay! No time, long see!"

"Uh, don't you mean 'long time, no see'?" Ed corrected the cook.

"Shh!" The Cookster placed a spatula to Ed's lips. "Do not question the ways of The Cookster."

Ed, thoroughly creeped out, scuttled back to hide behind Al.

"So these are the new arrivals, I take it?" The Cookster asked me while eyeing the boys.

"Yep. Think you can help us out?" I asked politely.

"Of course! You've come to the right place." The Cookster went over to the fridge and pulled out a stiff roll of paper, then handed it to me. "There ya go."

"What is it?" Al asked.

"A map." I said, opening it up to skim over it.

"Why was it in the fridge?" Ed asked.

Kiki answered, "You'll find that The Cookster's methods are…more unique than others."

"Thanks. We should be heading out." I told The Cookster.

"Come back any time!"

"We will." I said cheerily and we left the building.

"What's the map for?" Al asked.

"To help us find our way around the swamp."

"Does it say which direction is the way out of here?" Ed asked hopefully.

"There's only one way out of here." Kiki told them. "You've got to find that answer of yours."

"But we don't even know the question!" Ed screamed in frustration.

"Then you better hop to it!" Kiki grinned. "We're burnin daylight. Let's go!"

I began to lead our little group away from thetonks305. From behind me I heard Al say, "You know what's strange about this place?"

"Everything?" Ed guessed.

"We've been here for hours and hours but it's still daylight. It should have gotten dark by now."

Ed looked up at the sky thoughtfully, "You're right. Hey, LeFay. What's wrong with the sky?"

I snorted at the sheer randomness of the question. "It's just the way the swamp is."

"That's stupid. There's got to be a logical reason why it-"

"Silence!"

We all stared at the small, skeletal puppet that had interrupted what Ed was saying.

"I KILL YOU!" it screamed. Then it ran into the bushes to never be seen again.

"Um, you guys saw that too, right?" Al asked uncertainly.

We all nodded in unison and, as if the strange puppet incident had never happened, we traveled onward.

"So where are we going anyways?" Ed asked in a bored tone.

I showed him the map and pointed, "X marks the spot. That's where we need to go."

Ed squinted at the fine print then his eyes widened as he asked, "Wait, you don't seriously mean…?"

I grinned, "Yes I do. We're going to Candy Mountain!"

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><p><strong>Yes! We're going to Candy Mountain! Yay!<strong>

**As you can tell, however random this may be, I've started to put a little plot in it. I guess I just couldn't help myself.**

**Thanks goes to: BlackFoxxKat, thetonks305, Eliza Boeing, The Cookster, Lizzy '-' rocks, Fluffyness, DiscoGiraffe...I think that's everybody in this chapter. You guys come up with the weirdest pen names. But I love them!**


	6. Chapter 6

**So, how long has it been? Over a month? *sigh* Sorry it took me so long. Yeah, I've been busy but I've also just haven't gotten around to writing this. I sincerely hope that I can get the next chapter out by either next weekend or the one after that. I'll really try not to take so long again.**

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><p>A path of sorts ran through the swampy landscape. Kiki, Al, Ed, and I followed the winding trail as we searched for the elusive Candy Mountain.<p>

"LeFay, are you sure we're going the right way?" Ed asked.

"I'm positive!" I piped cheerily. Then added, "Well, almost positive anyway."

"What?"

"Relax, Ed. I know what I'm doing…most of the time."

"I don't like this." Al admitted, his armor shaking as he trembled. "Didn't that friend of Mustang's die while trying to find Candy Mountain?"

Kiki nodded, "Yeah, but I don't think we have to worry about anything."

"Why's that?" Ed asked.

"Because we have the author on our side! With LeFay here we'll be safe." She glanced at me expectantly. Seeing my uneasiness , she asked, "Right? Please say right."

"Actually," I laughed nervously, "I have no control over what happens here anymore."

"What?" Kiki nearly screeched.

"Thank gate for small favors." Ed muttered.

Kiki ignored Ed's input and asked me urgently, "But, Boss, how can that be? What happened to your amazing authoress powers?"

"Ed smashed them to pieces." I glared at him. "Without my laptop there's practically nothing I can do. I'll have to find some way to get a new one."

Kiki shook her head in dismay, "Way to go Boss. You're nothing without your laptop."

"Hey! I resent that!"

"But it's true." she smiled evilly at me.

"You're mean." I whined, sticking my face back into the map.

_Ten minutes later…_

"How big is this swamp?" Ed complained. "It feels like we've been walking for hours."

"There's no definite size to this swamp." I told him. "It pretty much goes on and on."

"Oh, that makes me feel better." Ed griped.

"Maybe we can do something to pass the time." I suggested.

"Like what?" Al asked.

"Tell jokes."

Kiki snorted, "Seriously?"

"Yes." I said confidently. "Answer this question: Why did the turkey cross the road?"

"To get to the other side." Kiki said in a 'duh' tone.

"Why is a turkey crossing a road?" Ed asked.

"Was is running away from something?" asked Al.

"Nope! All of you are wrong. The reason why the turkey crossed the road was because it dreamed of a world where people wouldn't question its motives."

"…That's so stupid." Ed said.

"Is it?" I arched an eyebrow and stopped walking. I gestured ahead of us and they all looked around me to see.

Out of the bushes an average sized turkey darted onto the rode. A little person rode on it's back, shouting, "Hiya! Hiya!" Each time they shouted they jerked on the reigns on the turkey. The turkey gobbled and crossed the road to disappear into the bushes.

"Whoa." Ed and Al said in unison.

Kiki, still staring at the bushes, asked, "Was that Sense Marauder I saw riding that turkey?"

"Yeah. And you know wherever Sense is…"

Just like I had expected, a coyote jumped out of the bushes in pursuit of Sense.

"Yo!" I called to it to get it's attention.

It turned to me and let out a wolfy grin and padded over to me.

"Hey! It's been awhile. How's it goin?" Kiki greeted, leaning down to shake its paw.

"Have you chicks gone nuts?" Ed asked us.

"Why would you think that?" I asked.

"Cause you're talking to an animal!"

"I am not an animal." the coyote responded.

"Oh shit!" Ed squeaked and hid behind Al. "It just talked!"

"After everything you've seen this freaks you out?" I asked incredulously.

Ed ruffled a bit but finally admitted, "Good point."

"Alright then." I nodded. "Guys, I'd like to introduce you to The Suburban Coyote."

"Who is not an animal." the coyote made very clear on that.

"But…you are." Al said.

The coyote huffed, "Looks can be deceiving. I was a normal person just like everyone else but then I met some witchy chick named Raven who offered me some weird Kool-Aid. I should have never drank that damn Kool-Aid."

Ed gaped, "I am so glad we didn't drink that stuff."

"So," I turned to the coyote. "Think you can help us out?"

"What's a coyote going to help us with?" Ed scoffed.

The coyote glared at him, "Do not underestimate me shrimp."

While Al held his brother back I explained, "The Suburban Coyote knows every inch of this place. If anybody would know the way to Candy Mountain it would be my friend right here."

"That's where you're going?" the coyote asked. Then it shook it's head, "Oh, lord."

"Let's go." I told the other's as I followed the coyote down the path.

"How's the hunt for Sense going?" Kiki asked the coyote.

The coyote growled viciously, "That little bastard is always one step ahead of me. But mark my words, I will catch and sink my teeth into that turkey rider."

"Why are you after Sense?" Al asked curiously.

The coyote twitched it's tail anxiously, "Because turkeys offend me."

"What?" Ed asked. "How is that an answer?"

"Because The Suburban Coyote hates turkeys," Kiki explained.

"And Sense loves them." I finished for her.

"Oh, that makes…sense." Al said. "No pun intended."

"I will never comprehend how someone can love those vile creatures." the coyote spat.

We continued to follow the coyote through the swampy planes. Kiki and I were completely at ease. As for the boys…they were uncomfortable, to say the least.

"So why are we going to Candy Mountain?" Al asked, a frightened tone still in his voice.

"It's where ZodiarkSavior lives." Kiki enlightened them in a bored tone.

"You mean that guy you work for that sent you to help us?"

"Yep."

"But wait, don't you work for LeFay?" Ed questioned.

"Yep."

"…Care to explain it more clearly?"

"Not really."

Before Ed could got into a temper tantrum I explained, "Kiki works directly under ZodiarkSavior who works directly under me. I send what I write to ZodiarkSavior and ZodiarkSavior makes it happen within the swamp. But since I don't have my laptop anymore I can't send squat so now I have to go to ZodiarkSavior in person."

"Why does ZodiarkSavior live on Candy Mountain?" Al asked.

Kiki snorted, "Dude, it's a mountain made out of candy. Who wouldn't want to live on it?"

"Me." the coyote commented. We all gave it a look and it said, "What? Sweet things hurt my teeth."

"You poor thing, you." Kiki sniffled tearfully. "I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't eat candy. It's the only reason I work for that damn ZodiarkSavior."

"…Because you get paid in candy?" Ed guessed.

"Yep. I love me some candy."

It was then that we came to a fork in the road. I checked the map. My brows furrowed in confusion, "The map only shows one path. Not two."

Ed groaned, "You have got to be kidding me. Even with a map we're screwed."

"_Who goes there?_" a shrill voice rang out.

All of us jumped and looked around but couldn't find anyone. It seemed like the voice was coming from everywhere at once.

I cleared my throat and spoke, "I am the author, LeFay, with my 3rd in command, KikiElric Goddess of Alchemy. We're traveling with the Elric brothers to Candy Mountain. Who are you?"

"_An odd group, you are."_ hissed the voice. "_You've come a long way. Yes, a long way you have come._"

Whoever it was, they sounded absolutely creepy. "Yes, we have. We're just looking to find ZodiarkSavior."

"_Heheheheheheeeeeee!_" the voice laughed eerily. "_If that is who you seek and where you must go then the path ahead is a very rocky one indeed._"

Kiki eyed the wilderness around us warily as she leaned towards me to whisper, "Boss, you got any idea who this creep is?"

I shook my head, "I may be the author but some things in the swamp occur all on their own. This is probably one of them…and that's probably a bad thing."

Having had enough, Edward marched to the forefront of our group and yelled, "Come out and show your face you coward!"

"_I cannot until you pass the test. The test you must pass._"

"I've had enough of tests and riddles! Get out here so I can kick your ass!"

Al sweat dropped, "Brother, I don't think your helping."

"_Initiating whitefire33._"

We glanced at each other, all of us wearing strange expressions. I laughed nervously, "I don't like the sound of that."

"_To calm the light_

_Of a fire so white_

_Retrieve the one_

_Who flies so bright_."

Kiki arched an eyebrow, "A poem?"

I shook my head, "Sounds more like a spell to me."

Suddenly, a fire blazed out of nowhere in front of us. Startled, we all jumped back. The blaze flared with white flames that had no effect to the grass around it. That was weird. But even weirder was the fact that the fire floated in the air.

Ed blinked in surprise, "What sort of alchemy is this?"

"I don't think that's alchemy." Al told him.

"I agree." Kiki nodded. She stepped closer to it, peering into the white fire. She reached her hand closer to feel the heat but pulled it back sharply with a gasp.

"What, is it really hot?" I asked in concern.

She shook her head, "No, it's extremely cold." She peered into the fire again, this time making sure to keep a safe distance away. "There's something inside the fire. I'm not sure though."

Al stepped up beside her and looked as well, "It looks like a…person! A tiny person!"

Ed and I exchanged looks and hurried over. We stared into the flames and soon enough we saw the outline of a tiny person. She gazed at us in return and appeared to be calling out to us.

"What do we do?" Al asked.

Kiki answered, "I think this has something to do with the test that creep talked about. They mentioned fire, right?"

"Yeah." I agreed. "And something about retrieving something."

"Do you think she's in pain?" Al asked, hovering closer to the fire but afraid to go any farther.

"I think we're supposed to get her out." Ed realized.

Kiki snorted, "And how are we gonna do that genius? I barely got close to the flames and they burned me they were so cold. Which is weird, cause fire's aren't usually cold. It must be magic of some kind."

Now it was Ed's turn to snort, "That's a load of crap. And the flames aren't going to bother me one bit." He reached in with his automail hand and pulled the miniature girl out gently. When the girl had left the fire it turned a natural orange before flickering and dying.

We gathered around Ed to see the girl. He anxiously held her in the palms of his hands. She sat on her knees tiredly, her pure white dress and white hair having no effects from the fire. She blinked at us with equally white eyes as something moved on her back.

"Wings!" I gasped. The girl, or I should say fairy, possessed delicate wings. They fluttered and shined in the light of the sun.

"What do I do?" Ed asked, nervous at the whole situation.

Before any of us could answer, the voice cried out, "_Do it now, whitefire33!_"

The fairy flashed a stunning grin and hopped to it's feet. It flew up to Ed's surprised face and touched his forehead. Everything around us glowed a bright, blinding light. When the light faded Edward was gone.

"Brother!" Al yelled. He looked at the hovering fairy accusingly, "What did you do with my brother?"

The fairy stuck her tongue out at him and vanished in a cloud of sparkles.

"This isn't good." I told my companions.

Kiki smacked her head, "Thanks for stating the obvious, Boss."

Al, in one of his rare angry moods, shouted out to the mysterious voice, "What did you do with my brother? Where is he?"

"_Do not fear for your brother is near. Yes, near he is."_

We turned towards the voice and found a…midget. That's the first word that popped into my mind. The stranger wore a dark green cloak with a hood securely covering their face. The cloak gave no indication to whether this person was male or female and neither did their voice.

"Where is Ed." Al demanded in a strong tone. "And who are you?"

"_The first question will be answered all in due time. For now, I shall grant your second question's answer. I am known as Hanashi no iu. I am the guardian here._"

"What are you guarding?" Kiki asked.

Hanashi paused, "_…I'm not exactly sure._"

"WHAT? Then what was the point of all of this?"

Hanashi shrugged, "_There wasn't one_."

I massaged the bridge of my nose wearily, "I think I need a Dr. Pepper."

Hanashi laughed and disappeared into the trees.

"Wait! Where's my brother!"

I glanced around for a moment as something dawned on me, "Uh, guys. We're missing someone."

Kiki smacked my head, "No duh!"

I rubbed the sore spot and whined, "I wasn't talking about Ed! I meant the Suburban Coyote."

We scanned the area and finally found the coyote laying a ways from us. We went over to it and looked down.

"Uh…Boss?" Kiki questioned.

"What's wrong with it?" Al asked.

"It must have been the fairy sparkles." I concluded. "They're like catnip for coyotes."

The coyote paid us no mind and continued to stare up into the sky while lying on its back. It stayed in a daze and nothing we tried could get the animal to snap out of it.

"Damn. This sucks. Without the Suburban Coyote we'll have no idea where we're going." Kiki muttered.

I held up the map, "Yeah, and this isn't one hundred percent correct. We can still use it but we'll also have to use our intuition."

"LeFay, what do you think happened to my brother?"

I patted his arm comfortingly, "I don't know. But don't worry Alphonse. We'll find him. Hanashi said something about us finding out in time. He's around here somewhere."

He nodded, accepting it, "Alright. So where to we go first?"

"We have to pick one of the paths." Kiki pondered. "How are we gonna do this, Boss?"

"I'll use a method that's never let me down before." I smiled and began pointing back and forth between the paths, "Innie, Minnie, miny, moe. Catch a tiger by it's "

"TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY!" Kiki screamed, smacking my head yet again.

I sniffled, "But I am."

"No you're not!" Kiki raged. "Let's just pick one already and see where it leads." She stomped down the right path, disappearing quickly in the brush.

"Shouldn't we follow her?" Al asked.

I shook my head, "Wait a few seconds first."

"Is something gonna happen?"

"More than likely."

"What?"

"I have no idea. But something always happens."

Sure enough, a minute later we felt vibrations making the ground tremble. Then we heard a scream.

"I think something found Kiki." I grimaced.

A few seconds later, Kiki flew out of the brush and nearly ran into us, "It's after me!"

"What is?" Al and I asked at the same time.

Then, the trembling in the ground increased at a giant samurai stepped out of the brush. It had to be eight feet tall andhad long black hair coming out of the back of its mask. I could see on red eye and one blue eye peering out from behind the mask. Oh, and let's not forget the huge freaking machete it was swinging around like a child with a stuffed bear.

"Run for it!" Kiki, shrieked. We raced down the left path, the giant close behind us.

I screamed at Kiki as we sprinted, "I can't believe you got Annabeth Zatsune to chase us!"

"It's not like I asked for this to happen!"

"What are we gonna do?" Al asked desperately.

"Well, when in doubt dance it out!" I said, screeching to a halt. I then began to do the hula dance.

"Have you gone crazy?" Kiki asked.

"No, I'm pretty sure I went crazy a long time ago." I said as I smiled and continued to dance. Annabeth had stopped as well to watch the spectacle. Moments later, the samurai joined in with the dance.

"Okay Al," I whispered under my breath, "while I distract Annabeth use your alchemy."

Al nodded and snuck off to the side. He drew a quick array and activated it. Not only did chains wrap around the giant, iron bars grew out of the earth to trap it.

"Nice job!" Kiki praised him.

"Thanks." Al chuckled.

Kiki looked to me and sweat dropped, "Uh, Boss? You can stop dancing now."

"But I kinda like this dance." I grinned and continued to hula.

"Al, a little help here." Kiki said. They each took an arm and dragged me away.

* * *

><p><strong>Yeah, Ed's gone. But he'll be back soon...and he won't be alone either. XD This chapter was just a setup for the next chapter. The next will have much randomness. hee hee<strong>

**Thanks goes to: Sense Marauder, The Suburban Coyote, whitefire33, Hanashi no iu, and Annabeth Zatsune.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Here's your daily dose of randomness! Eat your heart out.**

* * *

><p>"What's this?" I wondered aloud. I squinted my eyes at the map I held to my face.<p>

"Let me see." Kiki said, looking over my shoulder. She squinted her eyes as well and said, "Are those…bones?"

"I don't know."

"What are you talking about?" Al asked, joining us as well.

"This," I pointed to the area on the map. "There's an open area right here with this symbol on it. It kinda looks like that symbol on pirate flags."

Kiki arched a brow, "You mean the symbol that also stands for death?"

"Yeah!" I said excitedly.

"You do realize that that's a bad thing, right?"

"Oh, yeah…" I said as I recalled, making her roll her eyes.

"Why are you so concerned with that anyway?" she asked, bored.

I gulped, "Because we have to go right through it."

"Please tell me your joking."

I shook my head.

"Oh boy. This is gonna be fun." Kiki muttered sarcastically.

_Ten minutes later…_

"I think this is the place." I told the others, looking back and forth between the clearing ahead of us and the map.

Al scanned the area, "It doesn't seem that dangerous."

"And neither do cursed bunnies, until they unleash their wrath upon you."

"So how do you want to do this, Boss?" Kiki asked me seriously, eyes darting around us warily. "This almost feels like a trap."

"Eh, let's just wing it." I said, going to march forward.

"Stop!"

I froze, mid-step and turned my head to see who had spoken. It was a girl… dressed as Greed, leather vest, pants, and the whole sha-bang. Why was she dressed as Greed? Maybe she was a big fan.

"Ummmm….who are you?" I asked.

She smiled slightly. Even her teeth were pointed. Wow. She really went full out with her cosplay outfit. "The name is Greed."

"You can't be Greed. You're a girl." Al pointed out.

'Greed' looked around frantically for a moment and then shushed Al, "Just got with it, okay?"

"Okaaay." Kiki said, taking a look at me. I shrugged, just as confused as her.

I turned back to her, "So why did you stop me from walking farther?"

"Because, the ground is riddled with cupcake mines."

"Mines?" Al questioned.

"Cupcakes!" I exclaimed.

"I knew it was a trap!" Kiki said in an I told you so voice.

"Why would there be mines here?" Al asked.

'Greed' answered, "So that no one can get there."

Our eyes followed in the direction she pointed. Across the field was a raised piece of land, not really big enough to be called a hill. Around it ran a stream of freshwater. In the center of the space was some sort of object.

I squinted my eyes but couldn't make it out, "What is it?"

"It's where people go to get their answers. The mines were placed here to ward off people."

"Did you say answers?" Al asked.

'Greed' nodded.

"You thinking about the question you're supposed to answer?" Kiki asked him.

"Yeah. But I still don't know what the question they want answered is." Al admitted sullenly.

"Sucks for you." Kiki shrugged. Then she turned to me and eyed be skeptically, "Boss. Why didn't you say anything about this place before?"

"Huh?" I asked stupidly.

"This place is kind of important and you're the author so you should have known about this."

I cocked my head to the side in thought for a minute. Then… "Oh yeah! Now I remember!"

"Dumbass!" Kiki growled and smacked my head.

"Ow! It's not my fault I'm slow." I sniffled.

"Hey!" a voice shouted in anger.

We looked around and, not finding anyone else, settled our gazes on 'Greed'. Her eyes looked scared.

Out of the bushed stormed the real Greed. He glared daggers at the fake one. "YOU!"

She chuckled nervously, "Well, I guess that's my cue." Then she took off into the forest.

"Get back here!" Greed roared and pursued her.

"Why do you think he's chasing her?" I wondered curiously.

Kiki shrugged, "Well, identity theft is highly frowned on, ya know."

"Shouldn't we help her?" Al asked.

Kiki and I exchanged a glance and wrinkled our noses, "Nah."

"But she could get hurt!" Al protested. "That was a homunculus chasing her after all."

"She brought it on herself." Kiki said matter-of-factly.

"Besides, we still need to find Ed and get to Candy Mountain." I agreed.

"Hey!" yet another voice exclaimed.

We turned around to find our newest arrival. It was a young woman with tan flawless skin, a well developed figure, big blue eyes framed by thick lashes, full lips, and long wavy blond hair. She looked absolutely perfect.

I widened my eyes, "Mary Sue?"

She looked startled for a moment, "What? No! I'm The Alchemy Goddess you idiot."

"The Alchemy Goddess?" Al raised a metaphorical eyebrow.

"Uh-oh." I said, recalling who this chick was.

"It's you!" Kiki snarled.

The Alchemy Goddess smirked, "Who else did you expect?"

"Batman?" I guessed.

They paid no mind to me. They continued to glare at each other.

Al leaned over to me, "LeFay, why does it look like Kiki hates this girl?"

I opened my mouth to speak but then Kiki beat me to the punch, "Because she stole my title!"

"Ha! I didn't still it! I just made it better." The Alchemy Goddess declared.

"Hello! I'm KikiElric Goddess of Alchemy! You can't just rearrange the title and call it yours!"

"Oh, but I can."

"There can only be one goddess and that's me damn it!" Kiki raged, throwing her hands together and beginning to chant.

"Two can play at that game!" The Alchemy Goddess smiled menacingly. She placed her palms together in a similar way and chanted under her breath.

Puffs of smoke exploded between them. When the wind blew the clouds away, two summoned animals stood there. One of them was BlackFoxxKat. It was snarling at the other one, which was fairly larger than the first animal. It resembled a wolf with a few variations. It's coat was white but the tips of the fur was a light blue, as were the eyes. The beast shuffled anxiously, blue flames sparking and dying where its paws had been.

"You look a bit nervous there, Saphire." BlackFoxxKat laughed at the wolf.

The wolf bared it's teeth, "I'm just anxious to tear you apart, Black."

"Oooh, this is some major rivalry going on." I said amusedly, eating popcorn while I enjoyed the show.

"And that is?" Al asked.

"Oh, that's SaphireWhiteWolf. The Alchemy Goddess has her own summoned animal, like Kiki and Roku."

"Do you have an animal?"

I stopped munching on my popcorn, "…I never thought about it. Let me try." I tossed my popcorn behind me and put my hands together like I was a ninja from Naruto or something. Then I mumbled a bunch of gibberish.

A poof of smoke appeared in front of us. When it cleared, Al and I looked to see what it was.

"What the heck?" I asked, picking up a magic eight ball. I looked at the little window. It read, 'Try again later'. I scowled, "Should have known it wouldn't work." I tossed it like I did my popcorn. Then we went back to watching the confrontation between the goddesses.

Kiki and Black jumped into the air as The Alchemy Goddess and SaphireWhiteWolf lunched towards them. They were blurs moving through the air as they attacked one another. They ventured out into the field and that's when the explosions began.

"Oh no! The mines!" Al exclaimed.

I shook my head and sighed, "Well, it wouldn't be an epic battle without explosions."

Pretty soon the fighters had fought across the whole field, activating all of the cupcake mines as they went. They dodged the explosions effortlessly and kept up their attacks. They continued to fight even as they ventured towards the forest and out of sight.

"And there goes Kiki." I muttered. "Come on, Al. Let's just get this over with already."

We cautiously made our way across the field and got all the way to the hill. We stepped over the stream and walked up to a table. And on the table was something that most people wouldn't expect to be in a swamp.

"A printer?" Al asked.

The printer shuddered as it retorted, "No shit, Sherlock."

"Ah! It's a talking printer!" Al screamed and hid behind me.

"Well, aren't you smart?" the printer replied sarcastically.

I sighed, "It's alright Al. You don't have to be scared."

"But printers shouldn't talk! It must be possessed or something."

I snorted, "It's not possessed! It's not really the machine talking. There's someone inside it."

"Oh?"

"Yeah." I nodded.

"Why are they in it?"

The printer snickered, "And come out to that nasty swamp? No thank you!"

"Starkyo, please don't yell. I already have a headache." I grumbled.

"Like I really care about how you feel."

"Gee, aren't you just a ball of saracasm?"

"Really? I didn't notice."

I rolled my eyes, "Can we just get with the program? We've got places to be."

"Of course you do."

Al looked between me and the printer curiously, "How is this…Starkyo, supposed to help us?"

In answer, I gestured towards the printer, "Starkyo, do your thing."

"A please would be nice." Starkyo snapped in annoyance."

"Please," I said in a clipped tone, "or I will sic my dragon on you."

"You have a dragon?" Al asked surprised. "Why do you have a dragon?"

"For when I play quidditch. Duh."

"Alright already! Let's just get this over with so you'll go away." Starkyo yelled. We heard a sigh and then Starkyo's voice bellowed out as if a microphone had been sitting inside the printer, "Welcome one and all to this year's annual Hunger Games!"

"What?" Al and I said as we looked at the printer in confusion.

"Oh, wait. My bad." Starkyo muttered. Then Starkyo coughed and began again, "Welcome one and all to the printer of wonder! Here you will receive your ticket home if, and only if, you are able to answer the question correctly!"

"Is this the question everyone's been talking about?" Al wondered.

"No this is a different question." Starkyo responded. "Of course it's the same question, moron!"

"You don't have to be so mean about it." Al cried.

I glared at the printer, "You made Alphonse cry! You bastard! You'll pay for that!" Even without my laptop I still had a few tricks up my sleeve. I snapped my fingers and out of the bushes a half demon popped out, wearing red robes and long white flowing hair with dog ears perched on his head.

"Who's that?" Al sniffled.

I grinned viciously, "Meet my bodyguard, Daninuyasha. He's the third brother of Inuyasha that no one ever talked about."

"So he uses a big sword too?"

I laughed, "Pht, no! He's got something way better."

_Chi-chick!_

Daninuyasha cocked his shotgun and pointed it at the printer, "Apologize to the metal boy or else!"

"Okay! Okay! I'm sorry!" Starkyo cried in fear.

I nodded to Daninuyasha and he sunk back into the shadows to await my next call.

"So, you were saying?" I asked Starkyo pointedly.

"I was saying I need a new job." Starkyo muttered.

"Starkyo!"

"Okay! Here's the question: What is the meaning of life?"

"That's the question?" I asked incredulously. "I knew it was different for each person but jeez."

Al crossed his arms in deep thought, "The meaning of life…" Then he perked up and cheered, "Oh! I know the answer! Kittens!"

I sweat dropped, "Al, that's not "

"Congratulations! You've won!"

"Wha?" I said in shock as confetti rained down upon us.

"Yay!" Al sang.

"For answering correctly you'll receive two tickets to depart the swamp and a brand new body for your convenience!"

Suddenly, the area around Al sparkled and shimmered as the suit of armor disappeared and was replaced with his fourteen year old human body. Somehow, he already had clothes on. He stared at his hands in wonder as tears formed in his eyes, "I'm a real boy!"

"Oh, Al! You're so cute!" I said with starry eyes as I barely kept myself from glomping the adorable boy.

He blushed and scratched the back of his head, "I wouldn't say that."

I patted his shoulder, "Nonsense! With your charming personality and adorable looks girls will be all over you."

"I doubt it." he said sheepishly.

I frowned, "Saying you doubt what I say is saying that you doubt me. Never doubt the author Alphonse because the author is always right." I turned him around so that I could show him.

The field that had once been empty was filled with crowds of screaming fan girls, all with posters displaying their love for Alphonse Elric. Al's face was priceless as he took the sight in. "I have fans!" Al screamed happily.

A couple of girl's wearing identical shirts of the armored Al ran up to him.

"Al! I'm Dinrose, your biggest fan!" one girl said excitedly.

"I'm Taeniaea! Can I please have your autograph?" the other one pleaded.

Al blinked, taken aback. Then he replied shyly, "Oh, sure." He began signing autographs for them. This went on for quite a while.

_Ten minutes later…_

"Al," I sighed. "We've got a mission to accomplish, remember."

"Yeah, just give me a minute." he replied, distracted by the large amount of fans screaming for autographs. He kept signing away without a care in the world.

I rubbed my temples in frustration. This wasn't going well. I needed to come up with a way to get rid of all the fan girls, otherwise, Al would never concentrate.

"I know!" I exclaimed as a devious plan came to me. "CURSED BUNNY!"

Immediately, the crowd panicked and ran for their lives. Even Al was looking around for one of the little monsters.

"Relax Al." I said, laughing. "There's not really a cursed bunny."

"Then why'd you scream there was one?"

"To get rid of the fan girls." I said.

Al pouted but finally regained his focus. We stepped back over to retrieve the golden tickets that the printer had spat out.

I held them up, "With these you and Ed will be able to get back home."

Al took the tickets from me and inspected them, "How exactly does that work?"

"Well, if these were normal circumstances I would just message ZodiarkSavior to transport you and your brother out of the swamp but, seeing as I can't do that, we'll have to go deliver the tickets to ZodiarkSavior in person."

"Now all we have to do is find Brother and then we can go to Candy Mountain." Al smiled.

"_Meow!_"

Our heads snapped in the direction of the sound. Sitting on the printer was a brown, black, and white tiger-striped cat.

"Shoo! Get away!" Starkyo was trying in vain to scar the feline away.

"Aw! It's so cute!" Al cooed.

I froze in fear, "Al, make no sudden movements."

He glanced at me, puzzled, "What's wrong, LeFay."

"That's sydneyeakins." I whispered to him.

"Which is?"

"Annabeth Zatsune's summoned animal." I said nervously.

"You mean that giant samurai that chased us?" he cringed.

"Uh-huh."

A whistle rand in the distance and I knew we were screwed then. The cat meowed one last time and jumped up into the air, doing a backflip, and landed far out in the bushes.

"Phew!" Al said in relief.

"Don't get comfy just yet." I warned.

Then, the ground shook as Annabeth Zatsune jumped into the clearing with Sydney Eakins riding on her shoulder, her machete cutting the printer in half.

"No!" Starkyo yelled. Then a small starfish bounced out of the broken printer, an 'I'm a rebel' bandana tied around its head. Starkyo then bounced away into the depths of the swamp to avoid the fight.

"So that's what Starkyo really looks like." I said in a distracted manner.

"LeFay!" Al called me back to my senses.

I looked back to Annabeth, who was pulling her machete out of the broken printer. Then she roared, "DESTROY! DESTROY! Perish, vanish, die, all evil-doers are after all, nothing more than PILES OF USELESS JUNK!"

Then the samurai launched herself in our direction.

"Run for it!" I screamed. Al and I high tailed it, going off in a random direction.

"What are we gonna do?" Al yelled at me as Annabeth chased us.

I spotted something in the distance and said, "Look! A conveniently placed clothing store! Let's hide in it!"

We ducked into the store and closed and locked the door behind us. Panting, we slumped against the wall.

"Can I help you?" a melodic voice asked.

The two of us glanced up to find a business type woman standing in front of us. She wore a charcoal gray dress suit with a skirt and on her jacket a tad was pinned that read, "rachLA". Hm, she must be a saleslady or something.

I smiled nervously, "That's okay. I'm sure we can manage on our own."

She returned the smile easily, "Alright then. I'll go back to my other customer then." Then she walked away.

Al and I looked at each other.

"Who goes clothes shopping in the middle of a swamp?" I asked.

"Swamp people?" Al shrugged.

We followed the lady to the back of the store where the dressing rooms were located. Then, and I couldn't believe my eyes, Annabeth Zatsune walked out of one of the dressing stalls in a sun dress.

"Is is to your liking?" rachLA asked.

Annabeth's only reply was to sing, "_I feel pretty_!"

"Let's leave before she spots us." I whispered to Al. He nodded and we snuck back to the front of the store.

"What now?" Al asked.

"I've got an idea." I murmured as I began rummaging through the store. Near one of the shoe aisles I found what I was looking for, "Aha!"

"What'd you find?"

I pulled it out to show it to him, "It's a magic flying carpet!"

"Um, are you sure about this?" Al asked uneasily.

"Positive."

Al sighed, taking my advice from earlier and choosing not to doubt me. "But can we at least get a different one?"

"What's wrong with this one?"

He blushed, "The design isn't exactly appropriate."

I glanced at the rug. "Oh, ew!" I exclaimed, dropping the rug. "That's one yaoi pairing I never wanted to see." I shuddered and grabbed a nice floral patterned rug. After dropping off some cens at the counter, we left the store.

I laid the rug out on the ground and pressed the 'on' button. It began floating in the air.

"Amazing!" Al said with wide eyes.

"Yep." I agreed and we hopped on.

"LeFay, this is cool and all but how are we going to find Brother?"

"Easy," I smiled. "This magic carpet comes with a navigation system." I pressed a few buttons on the GPS.

"_Please state your destination_." a robotic voice said out of the device.

"Edward Elric!" I said loud and clear.

"I don't think that's what it meant." Al said.

I shook my head, "Don't worry. This will take us straight to him."

And then the magic carpet flew us through the air and over the swamp and took us to some seemingly random location.

"Are you sure this is the place?" Al asked.

I hoped off of the hovering rug and glanced around. I saw something odd about the rock of a small cliff. I approached it, pulling back the vines that obscured it.

"Al!" I called.

He came to see what I had found. "This looks promising." Al said as we stared at the large metal door embedded in the rock.

"Let's see what's inside." I said, opening the door. We were met with a long staircase descending below the swamp. We headed down.

_Ten minutes later…_

"This place is creepy." Al said, looking around with apprehension. All around us was some sort of laboratory, hidden underground. Monitors and control panels were scattered throughout the facility and so where rooms with walls lined with various mechanical parts. Overall, it was definitely creepy.

_Another ten minutes later…_

Eventually, we entered a large room. In the center was a type of shuttle sitting in a pool of water. It kind of looked like a submarine but not exactly. All around the room were glass pods, all of them empty except for two.

"Brother!" Al cried, running to one of them. He opened it and he caught Ed as he fell out.

Ed's eyes fluttered open, "What…" Then his vision focused and he realized who was holding him, "Al! You've got your body back!" They jumped up and embraced each other happily.

"You guys. What's he doing here?" I asked, pointing to the other occupied pod.

They set aside their reunion and looked to where I was pointing.

"What's that bastard doing here?" Ed exclaimed.

I frowned, "Thanks Ed for practically repeated what I just said."

"We should get the Colonel out." Al said. I helped him open it and take out Mustang.

He came to consciousness as quickly as Edward, "What's going on?"

"You're trespassing. That's what's going on." a voice said coldly.

The four of us turned to meet our next challenge.

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><p><strong>So yeah, Kiki's gone and Ed's back with Mustang. And yet another person has shown up to thwart our young heros? Will the author and the FMA cast make it out of the creepy labratory? Will they ever reach Candy Mountain? Maybe, maybe not.<strong>

**Thanks goes to: The Name Is Greed, The Alchemy Goddess, SaphireWhiteWolf, Starkyo, 4QuidditchIRideMyDragon, Daninuyasha, DinRose, Taeniaea, rachLA. I think that's all of them.**

**Also, thanks Annabeth Zatsune for letting me use sydneyeakins. And thanks AnimeVamp1997 for giving me a bunch of ideas for this chapter.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Yo! Sorry I haven't updated this in forever. Been busy working on other things.**

**CONTEST! Check my profile for the new contest!**

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><p><em>Previously on Frog Wars: LeFay and Al rode on a magic carpet that led them to an underground laboratory. Once there, they infiltrated the structure until they stumbled upon Ed and Mustang trapped in glass pods. Just as the two alchemists had been released, someone new entered the story.<em>

_LeFay: Hey! What are you doing!_

_Crap! I've been caught! *runs away*_

_LeFay: Get back here! I've told you a thousand times that narrating the story is MY job._

_Ed: Who was that anyway?_

_LeFay: Oh, you know. Kendra._

_FMA Cast: *gasps*_

_LeFay: What, you guys know her?_

_Mustang: Unfortunately._

_Al: *hides behind Ed* She's scary._

_Ed: Almost scarier than Teacher._

_Al: Yeah, and they call that girl the devourer of souls._

_LeFay: Really? Hm… *looks up in thought*_

_Mustang: Oh no, LeFay is thinking._

_Ed: That's bad. Very bad._

_LeFay: *turns back to them* You guys?… I got a plan._

_FMA Cast: *hides*_

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><p>We all looked up to see who had spoken. A woman stood there. The first noticeable thing was her long white coat, similar to a doctor's or scientist's. The rest of her included long brown hair held up in a high ponytail, rectangular glasses revealing hazel eyes, and model worthy features. She couldn't have been over thirty and would have been a very beautiful woman had she not been looking at us as if she were going to claw our throats out.<p>

"Who are you?" Ed demanded.

She scowled and readjusted her glasses in irritation, "I am Minaseiko, head researcher of this establishment."

Ed arched an eyebrow and looked to me questioningly. I shrugged, having no idea who this chick was. Again I say, some of the stuff that's in the swamp occurs randomly and without my supervision. Hm, I should probably change that for security purposes…

Mustang quickly took charge of the situation, or tried to at least, "I am-"

"I know who you are, you imbecile!" she snapped. Who do you think brought you here? And don't answer that, it was a rhetorical question."

He frowned, not liking this, "What is this place?"

She crossed her arms, eyeing the four of us in near disgust. Coming to some conclusion, she told us, "I will tell you as soon as I inform the Director of what has occurred. Please stay here, and for God's sakes don't touch anything." Then she swept out of the room through a different door than the one Al and I came in.

"That was…odd," Al spoke for all of us.

Mustang whipped his head to Al, staring at him critically. Then his eyes widened, "Is that you, Alphonse? What on Earth happened to you?"

Al beamed, "I got my body back!"

"Which you never explained," Ed reminded him.

"Oh yeah! A talking printer gave it to me!" Al answered happily.

"A wha…?" Ed gawked at him.

I sighed, "It's a long story."

Mustang had gotten over his shock at Al's appearance and now was looking at me, "And who are you and what's your part in all this?"

"Oh, that's right! You don't know." Then I explained, "I'm the author of this story and you are currently in a swamp created from the depths of my imagination."

"The author?" he said, taken aback. Then he turned to Ed, "Fullmetal, please tell me this is some horrible nightmare."

"Sorry, but this is all real."

That's when the door opened and in walked…Ling, of all people. We stared at him, all of us too surprised to say anything. He stopped, scanned the room, and scratched his head in confusion, "Huh, I could have sworn this was the way to the kitchen." Then, just like that, he left.

Before I could comment on how weird that was, a girl holding a camera snuck out from behind the corner, humming the music from Mission Impossible. She paid no mind to us and crept through the door Ling had disappeared through and left to pursue him.

I face palmed, "Dear God…"

"You know that weirdo?" Ed asked about the girl.

I nodded, "ThatOneChick, she spends her life as a professional stalker. People pay her to stalk their favorite characters."

"That sounds so cool!"

Ed, Mustang, and I whipped our heads around to stare incredulously at Al. That made him blush and scratch his head in embarrassment.

Ed's expression became smug as he nudged his brother, "Got someone you want her to stalk for you?"

"Yes! I mean no! Oh, maybe!" Al rambled.

"Who is it then?"

"…Nyu."

My jaw dropped, "You mean that crazy chick from Elfen Lied who has an alternate homicidal personality? Have you lost your ever lovin mind? Why on Earth would you like her?"

"Well, she's really cute when she's not being homicidal."

"You sure do have strange taste in women," Ed said.

I looked at Mustang who had been quiet during the conversation, "Don't you have a comment?"

He crossed his arms and smirked, "Nothing, except that I approve."

"You what?" Ed and I exclaimed.

Mustang's smirk deepened, "I always did have a thing for fierce women." An arrow pointed towards him saying, 'Totally in love with Riza'.

Al whispered to Ed, "You see the floating arrow too, right?"

Ed just nodded, his mouth gaping open.

"What are you staring at?" Mustang asked. He turned but the arrow vanished before he could catch a glimpse.

Ed rubbed his eyes tiredly, "I think I've been in this place way too long. I'm starting to go crazy."

"_BEAT IT! JUST BEAT IT!_"

Startled, everyone turned to look at me. I smiled at them, "Excuse me for a second." I turned away from them as I answered my cellphone. "Hello?…Oh hey! What's up, LeCait?…No, I'm not busy. We can talk…"

Ed stared at me, a blood vessel throbbing in his forehead, "Is she seriously chatting with her friend at a time like this?"

"Very inappropriate," Mustang agreed.

Al simply sweat dropped.

I gasped, "Aya-chama did what? Oh boy, Jason's not gonna like this…WHAT? I can't believe it. Jay too? Wait, are you talking about Jay or JayTheCow?"

Somewhere in the distance everyone heard something howl, "_May the power of milk prevail!_" Ed and Al, having gotten used to most of the randomness of the swamp shrugged it off while Mustang began having a spaz attack. Ed and Al watched his freak out with mild amusement.

"Eeep!" I squeaked. "That's so cool!"

Al tapped my shoulder and said, "I know I'm probably going to regret asking this but, what are you talking about?"

I turned to him and relayed my conversation with starry eyes, "Me and LeCait were just talking about our favorite soap opera, _The Last Rose to Fall_! I missed the last episode so she told me what happened. You see, the star of the show, Aya-chama, was dating this guy Jason but she had tragically fallen in love with not just him but someone else. So she secretly had meetings with her other love until Jason caught her and, surprise! It was his twin brother, Jay! And not only that, Aya-chama is pregnant with her own set of twins, one is Jason's and the other is Jay's! It's so exciting!"

They all three stared at me. Then Ed roared and snatched my phone away from me to throw it on the ground and stomp on it. My jaw dropped and as he crushed my baby I felt a part of my soul die.

"How dare you!" I screamed, furious.

"We've got other things to worry about instead of you prattling on about your stupid soap opera!"

I gasped, taking a step back and glaring at him with the utmost offense. "You take that back!"

"No!"

"This means war!" I shouted. I pulled out one of my pokeballs and called, "Big Mac, I choose you!"

Red light shot out of the pokeball and formed a large, walking thing that resembled an oversized Big Mac.

"What is that thing?" Al looked at it in horror.

"I'll check," Mustang said, pulling out his pokede. Then a robotic voice came out, "_Big Mac, the hamburger pokemon. What it lacks in speed it makes up for in brute strength. Beware its deliciousness._"

"Big Mac," I shouted. "MEATBUN ATTACK!"

Big Mac jumped into the air and began attacking Ed with it's powerful buns. Ed began running around, Big Mac chasing him.

"We should probably help him," Al told Mustang.

"I'd rather not," he admitted.

Al smiled, "If you do then Brother will owe you one."

Mustang smirked and agreed. He slipped on a glove and snapped, producing dancing flames. Big Mac got singed and ran back towards me. Concerned, I looked him over for any damage. I patted its head and said, "Return, Big Mac." It went back to it's pokeball. Then I turned to Mustang, "You bastard, now the Big Mac's overcooked."

He shrugged like it was no big deal, "With that aside, let's focus on the matter at hand."

"WAAAAIT!"

"…what was that?" Al asked, looking around like all the rest of us.

"You can't just move past the pokemon reference without having _me_ join the party!"

"And…why's that?" I ventured.

"Because I AlreadyCaught'EmAll!"

"…come again?

"I said, I AlreadyCaught'EmAll!"

"What?"

"I-ARG! Forget this!" It sounded like a microphone was dropped and then someone entered the room.

"And who are you?" Ed asked in annoyance.

"I'm a pokemon master!" they said confidently.

"And I'm LeFay Strent. Whoop-de-doo," I said unenthusiastically.

"Wha…Seriously? You're _the_ LeFay Strent?" Their whole demeanor changed as they came over to me and started gushing, "That's so cool! Your book is my drug!"

"Then go fetch," I said, pulling out a copy of my book and throwing it across the room with my fan running after it like a dog. Once they got it they sat down and began reading in contentment.

"Wait, you actually have fans?" Ed asked in surprise.

I nodded, "Yeah, my stories have gotten pretty popular and a lot of cool people enjoy reading them."

"That's just stupid," Ed grumbled. "I don't get the point in people fawning over someone like that."

"But Edo, would you say that to one of your fans?" I asked. With a snap, a door appeared and out walked a little girl. She ran up to Ed and stared at him with awe in her big eyes.

"Who are you?" Ed frowned.

She smiled shyly, "A simple fan." Then she pulled out a small notebook and pen, "Can I have your autograph Mr. Edward."

"Mr. Edward?" Mustang snorted quietly to himself. Al and I were just looking at the adorable little girl, thinking how cute she was. Who could resist that face?

"No," Ed refused sternly.

I sighed in exasperation. Apparently, Ed could resist.

Tears welled in the girl's eyes. Then she cried, "You're a meanie!" Then she chucked the notebook at his face and ran back through the door. It promptly disappeared.

"Brother, that was insensitive," Al chided. Ed just scowled, probably because Mustang was rolling on the floor laughing.

"You idiot!" I seethed. I pointed at him and yelled, "That was uncalled for! I want you to go sit in a corner and think about what you did!"

"But…this is a circular room…"

"Don't make excuses!"

"Hey what's this thing?" Al asked us.

We turned to look at him to find him near the pool of water where a pedestal stood. On the top of the pedestal was a giant red button with the words, "Do Not Push". I walked over to it and began ogling it, "I wanna press it!"

"But it says not to push it," Ed argued.

"Why would someone install a button that they didn't want to be pressed?" Mustang asked.

I shrugged, "I don't know and I don't really care. I just wanna press it and see what it does."

"Keep away from that!"

I squeaked in surprise and turned towards the door where Minaseiko stood. She had finally returned and she looked none too pleased at the current situation.

"I told you not to touch anything, did I not?" she asked.

"Yes ma'am," I pouted.

She sighed and walked down the stairs to us, "I contacted the Director and he is on his way. He'll decide how best to handle all of you. Since we've already made the clones for you two we shouldn't require your presence anymore."

"Clones?" Ed and Mustang asked since she had indicated both of them.

She nodded, "Yes. Shall I give you a demonstration?" Without waiting for our answer, she pulled out some sort of remote, pushed a few buttons, and then two figures appeared in two of the glass cases that Ed and Mustang had been in before. They opened and out stepped another Edward and Mustang. The real Ed and Mustang stood there in shock as they stared at themselves.

"Amazing!" Al breathed out in excitement. He turned to me so that I could share in his enthusiasm but I waved him off.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I still wanna know what this button does," I said as I continued to stare at the big red button. What can I say? It called to me.

The Ed clone began jumping around and squealing like a…girl. "Eeek!" The Mustang clone kind of just stood to the side sullenly.

Ed looked to be mortified at seeing himself do a series of happy dances. He turned to Minaseiko and demanded, "Explain."

She pushed up her glasses, "Here at Anon Industries we research and develop weapons, gadgets, and jam among other things."

"Jam?" Mustang asked incredulously.

"Yeah, jams the best food ever," she stated like it was a fact. "Anyway, currently we are delving into soul swapping. For instance, these two may appear to be exact copies of you two," she pointed at Ed and Mustang, "but inside they have souls from other people."

Ed clenched his fists and growled, "Why would you do such a thing to these people?"

The person who was in Ed's clone stopped dancing and looked at him, "Oh, it's not like we were forced into this. It's completely voluntary. Well, mostly."

"Mostly?"

Mustang's clone raised their hand, "I lost a bet. Thank the gate that this is reversible."

"Reversible?" Ed repeated again.

Minaseiko snorted gracefully, "You didn't think we would leave them like this, did you? We have a reputation to uphold, you imbecile. We'll put these fan girls back into their original bodies once all the rudimentary tests have been performed.

I slapped my forehead, "Should have known they were fan girls."

Al started snickering, "They're girls?"

"Hold up," the Mustang clone said, waving her arms animatedly in her anger. "I am _not_ a fan girl. Just because I-EEEK!" With all her moving about she toppled over and did a face plant.

"So, just who is in my clone anyway?" Mustang asked.

The Ed clone looked at him as if he were dumb, "Isn't obvious? That's Falling Raene."

Mustang cocked an eyebrow, "I can see where she got her name."

"And who are you?" Ed asked his clone.

The clone zoomed up to him and flashed a big, non-Edward like smile, "I'm Ammiranny! I'm so glad to meet you in the flesh! I'm a huge fan of yours!"

Ed's encounter with one of his fans from earlier had annoyed him and this was even more so. He looked to the head researcher and begged, "Please make them go away."

Minaseiko shrugged, "I don't see why not." Then she pushed another button on her remote thingy and the clones disappeared out of the room.

Ed felt the air where the clones had been to make sure they were really gone. When he felt no resistance, he smiled, "I've got to get me one of those."

"So, what other cool things do you make here?" I asked the woman.

"We deal in many branches of research as well serving as the swamp's largest manufacturing company."

"Meaning?"

She pushed her glasses up again and pointed towards my wrist, "For instance, that watch you're wearing was made by Anon Industries."

Startled, I took the watch off and examined it closely. On the underside of the watch read the word 'Anon'. I laughed and shook my head, "I'll be damned."

Minaseiko gave a small smile. Then a small beeping noise came from her and she whipped out her cell phone. She nodded, "The Director is here." She pocketed the phone and turned expectantly to the door.

Out walked…a strange man. He looked to be some weird cross of a pirate, a cowboy, and a ninja. His long brown hair was held in a ponytail with tints of green in it. A mask covered the lower half of his face, leaving his blue eyes revealed. No shirt but plenty of scars marring his sandy skin. He wore gold gloves, grey pants with a dragon embroidered down one leg, belts of bullets, and black and brown spiked boots. Overall he looked uber weird but you wouldn't tell him that to his face because of the crazy gleam in his eyes.

"Hello, Director Caiman" Minaseiko greeted, bowing her head.

I froze up at the name, "Ah hell…"

Ed gave me a look, "What, do you know that weirdo?"

I could have hit Ed right then. I couldn't believe how stupid he could be. He just _had _to go and say that so loud that Caiman couldn't have _not _heard it. As it was, Caiman was giving Ed a death glare.

"That's Quick-draw Caiman," I told him softly. "…And you just pissed him off."

True to his name, Caiman quickly drew his guns. I don't know much about guns but I could tell you these weren't normal looking guns. They were big, dangerous looking, and must have been made here in this facility.

"Hit the deck!" I screamed. We all ducked in time to escape a fireball-like blast. It shot above us and incinerated anything behind us that it hit.

Mustang smirked after seeing that display, "If you like to play with fire why don't you try me on?" He slipped his gloves on and was about to battle Caiman.

I rolled my eyes, wishing Hawkeye was here to keep this doofus in line. "You idiot! You can't take him on. We got to get out of here before…"

"KOWASHITE!"

I sweat dropped, "Too late."

The all too familiar samurai, Annabeth Zatsune, flew down from the high ceiling and drew her machete against Quick-draw Caiman. They bean duking it out like the mortal enemies they were.

"Um," Al began uncertainly, "Which one should we help?"

"I vote for neither and get the hell out of here," Ed suggested.

I nodded in agreement, "All in favor, say I"

All three chorused back, "I." We snuck farther away from them and started to look for a way out.

"Hey, let's try this thing," I said excitedly.

"The button?" Al asked.

"The big _red_ button," I corrected with sparkles in my eyes.

"I'm not sure that's a good id-"

"Too late!" I cut off Mustang and slammed my hand down on the shiny button. Within seconds alarms blared in the room, deafening our poor ears. Red alarm lights flashed and I had a feeling that was a bad thing.

"Ooops," I laughed, making the others glare at me.

The shuttle, submarine, thingie-majigy in the pool of water in the center of the room had suddenly started up, it's motors running when before they were quiet. Then the lid at the top popped open and a girl poked her head out, which surprised me because I didn't know that anyone was in there.

"You guys looking for a way out?" she asked. We were all too bewildered to say words so we just all nodded. She smiled, "Then come aboard the MegatronLove! I'll get you out safely."

"I've got a bad feeling about this," Mustang commented about the sub.

One of Caiman's fire blasts came a little too close for comfort and Ed jumped towards the sub, "Screw your feelings! Let's just get out of here already!"

The rest of us hastily followed Ed's example and jumped in the sub. Inside was enough space for us to stand comfortably, along with panels full of buttons and switches for operating the sub. The girl began fiddling with them until the machine lurched forward and set off down a tunnel of water.

"Who are you?" Al asked curiously.

She smiled, "I'm the captain of the MegatronLove but I mostly go by Starrydreamer813."

"If that's true then why are you helping us? You're with Anon industries, correct?" Mustang questioned.

She shrugged, "My job is for transport in emergency situations. The button was pressed so there must have been emergency. I'm just doing my job."

I grinned happily, "So then it all works out."

"Ummm, except for the giant alligator." Al said with wide eyes.

"…say what?" I asked, turning around to see where Al was looking out a window. "…alright everyone…don't panic…whatever you do…don't panic…..AAAAHHH! IT'S GONNA EAT US!"

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><p>"So much for not panicking," Ed rolled his eyes.<p>

_Ed: You're really going to leave it off there?_

_LeFay: Eh, I had to end it somewhere._

_Al: So what about your plan?_

_LeFay: What?_

_Al: You mentioned something about a plan._

_Ed: You idiot, don't remind her!_

_LeFay: Oh yeah! Now I remember!_

_Ed: We're all doomed._

_LeFay: Alright guys, so here's the plan…*thoughtful pause*…there is no plan._

_Ed and Al: O_O_

_LeFay: That's the plan! For people to think there's a plan when really I'm just winging everything! *grins*_

_Ed:…idiot._

_Kendra: I WILL DVEOUR YOUR SOULS!_

_Everyone else: *girlish screams of terror*_

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><p><strong>Yeah, this probably could have been better but I'm satisfied with that. ^_^<strong>

**Thanks goes to Minasieko, ammiranny, ThatOneChick, StarryDreamer813, LeCait, Falling Raene, Meatbun Attack, The Last Rose to Fall, Aya-chama, jamsthebestfoodever, Yourbookismydrug, Jason, Jay, JayTheCow, a simple fan, Kendra Will Devour Your Soul, AlreadyCaught'EmAll, Anon. And a special thank you to Annabeth Zatsune for letting me use Quick-draw Caiman.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Whoa, how long has it been? Two months? Jeez, sorry I haven't updated this in a while. I've been working on a little of all of my fics and should be updating others soon.**

**TBA has come to a close but I promise I will try to keep Frog War alive and get to every single person who reviewed TBA. Speaking of the reviewers, I just want to make something clear about this story. When I include you I may not know your gender so sorry if I get it wrong and also, I may not include you as a person. You may be an animal or I'll use your name as the name of a submarine or an attack move. The point is that Frog War is created on your pen names and how they inspire me to come up with cool, random, funny stuff. Just thought I'd point that out in case any of you are upset that I didn't make you an actual person.**

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><p>As I continued to run in circles screaming my lungs out, the others kept calm and handled the situation rationally.<p>

"Can you maneuver the sub around the alligator?" Mustang asked Starrydreamer, only to find her out cold.

"What happened to her?!" Al gasped, hovering over the girl as she slumped over her switchboard.

Ed leaned closer past his brother and examined her critically. Then he spazzed out, "She fell asleep! How does someone fall asleep while manning a submarine?!" He looked closer and picked up something from the girl's hand. His eyebrow raised in confusion, "A rose?"

I stopped my frenzied sprinting and snapped my attention over to them. "Be careful! Don't touch that! It's a poisoned blue rose! If you let it touch your skin then it'll make you fall asleep."

Ed held the flower at arm's length, looking relieved that he wore gloves, "Then what do I do with it?"

"Burn it," Mustang concluded, slipping on a glove.

"You idiot!" I smacked his head. "We're in a pressurized sub and it's not exactly fire proof! I'm not the brightest crayon in the Crayola pack but I'm pretty sure one wrong spark could blow us all up."

He scowled but surrendered.

"Guys," Al called us from the window, "Can you worry less about the flower and more about the giant alligator coming this way?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that," I admitted. "We need someone to go out there and fight it. Any takers?" Unsurprisingly, all of the guys took a step back and shook their heads. I frowned, "Wow, you guys are wimps. Fine then, I'll just find someone else to battle it." Then I screamed out in a singing voice, "_I need a hero!_"

"You rang?" Daninuyasha said as he popped out of nowhere.

"Such a loyal bodyguard!" I greeted him with a smile and patted his head. Then I pointed towards the window, "Now be a good boy and go attack that alligator."

He saluted me and poofed out of the sub. Then we all watched as he reappeared out in the water, swimming towards the alligator with his trusty shotgun.

"Do you think he stands a chance?" Al asked in concern.

I shrugged, unsure, "Well, that is Quick-draw Caiman's summoned animal, Io-Ice. It's pretty powerful."

"Why is it named that?" Ed asked with a scrunched up face.

"I'm just gonna take a guess here but probably because of that," I replied, gesturing to the alligator that was shooting out ice beams from its mouth at Daninuyasha as my bodyguard dodged the attacks.

"How does an animal get ice beams to shoot out of its mouth?" Mustang asked in awe.

I shrugged and guessed, "Winter-green Life Savers?"

"AH!" the brothers screamed out in unison.

Mustang and I went back to look out the window to see what had happened to make them scream. Apparently, the alligator…ate him. The alligator seemed almost smug about it until it started twitching like crazy, probably from the faint shotgun blasts we could hear. The alligator opened it's jaws and spat Daninuyasha back into the water and my bodyguard poofed back into the sub.

In a disgruntled manner, he handed me a sheet of paper.

"What's this?" I asked.

"My resignation. I draw the line at being eaten." And with that, he poofed away.

"What are we gonna do now?" Al asked everyone with wide eyes.

I slumped over and pouted, "Man, where's Batman when you need him?"

"_Nananananananaa!_"

All four of us looked around at the sound and my face lit up with hope, "The Dark Knight?"

To answer my question, a dude in a black cape jumped out of a random closet and grinned, "Nope! I'm Shadow knight 1121. I'm here to save the day!"

"You're not Batman!" I screeched, snatching one of Mustang's gloves and grabbing the blue rose out of Ed's hand to throw like a dart at Shadow knight's face.

"My eye!" Shadow knight cried and fell over dead.

With a satisfied nod, LeFay brushed off her hands. The FMA characters took a collective step back, afraid of this new side of the author. LeFay thought nothing of it and tossed the glove back to its owner. Then LeFay stopped and wondered why she was suddenly thinking about everything in third-person so she shook her head to snap out of it.

The submarine gave a shudder that snapped everyone's attention towards the window. Powerful waves were knocking into the sub as the alligator readied another ice beam attack. No one had time to react before Io-ice fired off the shot and hit us dead on, encasing the sub in a thick layer of ice. Red lights began to flash inside of the sub as alarms blared loudly.

Starrydreamer jolted upright in her seat, "ALL HAIL THE CHINESE CHEESE BISCUIT! …wait, what's going on?"

"That beast just hit us with it's ice beam! You need to get us out of here!" Mustang yelled over the alarms.

Starrydreamer blinked the last bit of sleep from her eyes and peered out the front windows. Seeing both the ice and the approaching alligator her expression became fierce. She leapt from her seat and I quickly realized why she was the sub's captain. The girl was a whirlwind of activity, pushing different buttons, pulling levers, and rotating knobs. Various lights came on followed by beeps and the sub gave a lurch upward.

"Hey! Give us a little warning, would ya!" Ed grouched from the floor where we had all fallen.

"Sorry. Kinda busy saving your life here," Starrydreamer remarked, focusing on keeping the sub on course.

"_Warning! Warning! Warning!_"

"What now?" I groaned.

Starrydreamer brought up a visual on a screen and explained, "The top of the lake is frozen solid. At this rate we'll crash right into it, and let me tell you, it won't be pretty."

"You're the captain. _Do_ something!" Ed ordered.

She glared at him, "You're lucky I'm so nice." Then she snatched one of Mustang's gloves from him.

"Hey! Why do people keep stealing my gloves?!" he complained.

Ignoring his protests, Starrydreamer laid the glove on some scanner that projected the array onto the window shield of the sub. She touched the glass with both hands and the array began to glow a vivid blue, as did her eyes.

"Shatter the heavens," she commanded. The layer of ice we were barreling straight towards became etched with the same array and quite suddenly exploded. The sub flew through the newly made hole immediately after and we crashed on some kind of land mass.

When the sub had finally stopped shaking, Al asked, "What was that?"

Starrydreamer smirked, "That would be my long-range alchemy. I studied it in Xing."

"I don't care where you learned it. Just get me out of this thing!" Ed growled.

She frowned and pushed a large red button. A hole in the roof of the sub opened and Ed was abruptly ejected out.

With Edward gone, Starrydreamer gave us a smile, "Thank you for riding the MegatronLove. Have a nice day."

We waved at her and left through the door. We found Ed near the shore of the enormous lake, picking himself up and spitting out sand.

"Maybe you should learn better social skills, Fullmetal," Mustang smirked.

"Shut up! The last thing I want to hear right now is your pompous ass!"

"Hey, don't fight. Just look on the bright side," Al suggested.

They scowled at him and Ed asked, "We're stuck in a creepy swamp filled with monsters and lunatics and bloodthirsty stuffed animals. How is there a bright side to any of this?"

Al gave an unsure smile, "At least we weren't alligator food?"

"Yo Mustang, what's up with you? You look like you're gonna hurl," I said, keeping a nice distance between us to avoid any mess.

He waved away my concern, "It's nothing. Fullmetal just reminded me of what happened to a good friend of mine named Charlie."

Realization dawned on Ed, "Hey, you were stuck here before right? Why didn't you remind us before?!"

"I've repressed my memories of that time so completely that I barely recall what happened to me. The only thing I remember is what happened to Charlie…"

"Well, that's convenient. You really are useless," Ed muttered, causing Mustang to go mope in his emo corner.

"Oh yeah, Brother! I forgot to tell you that I answered that important question we were sent here for," Al said happily. "I received tickets to get out of the swamp!"

"So that's it? We'll be able to leave, just like that?" Ed asked incredulously.

Al's smile wilted, "Well no. We still have to go to Candy Mountain to find ZodiarkSavior to give him the tickets. Then he'll be able to send us back home."

"I didn't get a ticket," Mustang commented as he continued to pout in his corner.

I sighed, "I'll talk to ZodiarkSavior about it and we'll work out something."

"I say we just leave him here," Ed grumbled.

Mustang of course, retorted back while he slipped in a short comment. Ed exploded and their bickering only escalated.

Al sweat dropped, "Shouldn't we stop them?"

I put my finger to my chin in contemplation, "Hm, should we? Maybe I should ask my conscience. Oh, Eclipsica~!"

A tiny poof of sparkles later and a tiny winged girl now stood on my shoulder, "Yes? You require my assistance?"

Al blanched, "Are you sure we can trust a fairy? Remember what the last one did to Brother?"

"Hey buddy! I am _not_ a fairy! I am a _pixie_! Don't get me confused with one of those sneaky backstabbers!" The pixie then huffed and stuck her nose up at him while crossing her arms.

"Sorry Al. Pixies and fairies have been at odds in the swamp for centuries so lets just not mention them around Eclipsica."

"A-alright," Al stuttered, still a little taken aback. "So, why exactly did you call Eclipsica here?"

Seeing as the pixie was still silently fuming, I was the one to explain. "Well, you know that little voice in the back of your head that tells you when or when not you should do or say something? Yeah, I don't have one of those. That's why Eclipsica helps me out from time to time. Just think of her as my Jiminy Cricket!"

Eclipsica perked up as she caught sight of the arguing alchemists, "I'm assuming you called me to help you with those idiots, right?"

"Yep! So should I break up the fight between them?"

She grinned, plopping down on my shoulder and swinging her legs, "I say you just leave them here to rot."

"You can't be serious!" Al stammered.

With a solemn expression, I decreed, "So Eclipsica says it, so shall it be." Then I turned to walk into the nearby forest.

"Wait, LeFay!" Al tried to call me back.

I stopped, but not because of Al's plea. The ground began to shake and I looked around confused.

"What could that be?" I wondered aloud.

Eclipsica's expression became horror-struck, "Fan girls! Run away!" The pixie then fluttered away in a zip of light.

The shaking in the ground increased as a giant mob ran out of the forest and I gaped because every single one of them was wearing miniskirts. It couldn't be…

The mob ran until they were stationed behind Mustang who looked oddly smug. "Face it Fullmetal, you can't win against my Mini Skirt Army!"

"Oh yeah? Well how about this!" Ed replied and that's when another mob of girls ran onto the scene, all of them going to stand menacingly behind Ed. "You're Mini Skirt Army is no match for my Resembool Rangers!"

"Attack!" both of the alchemists screamed at once. That's when all hell broke loose. There was hair pulling, there was slapping, there was biting, and there were declarations of who was the best, either screaming that Mustang was or Edward. And then, as if this whole mess wasn't bad enough, another mob of girls showed up dressed as ninjas.

"Who are you?" I asked the mob.

One of them answered, "We're the Kitten Regiment! We're here to prove that Alphonse is the best!" Then the ninjas pounced on the battling girls.

"My fan club is filled with a bunch of ninjas?" Al asked aloud. Then his face brightened, "Go me!"

"Oh lord," I face palmed. This had gotten way out of hand. I had to do something, no matter how drastic it was.

Spinning around and striking a pose, I yelled, "I summon my army of muffins!"

_Ten minutes later…_

"Now I hope you have both learned your lesson and will think before the next time you want to act so childishly again. Is that clear?" I asked sternly, hands on hips and my tone utterly serious and reprimanding.

Mustang and Ed were sitting on the ground in front of me pouting, the latter still picking out bits of muffins from his hair. After the army of muffins appeared it didn't take too long for the fan girls to scatter. I didn't blame them. Muffins from the swamp did tend to get a bit…bite-y.

Frowning, Ed asked, "Why are we the only ones you're yelling at? Al's fan girls were there too?"

"Because Al didn't purposely summon them! And besides, Alphonse is the only one among us who actually has a brain!"

"You do realize that you just insulted yourself," Mustang smirked.

"_Yes I do, now don't back sass me or I'll take your gloves away!_"

He promptly shut his trap and glanced away meekly.

"OOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHOOO OOOOOO!"

"What in the-?!"

"AH!"

"Ooof!"

"And she sticks the landing! And the crowd goes wild!"

"Um…Kiki?" Ed asked, the rest of us still in shock. In less than five seconds Kiki had swung out of the woods on a vine, hollering as if she were George of the jungle, and had knocked Mustang flat on his face. She now stood on his back giving the 'crowd' a bow.

"What happened to you Kiki? Are you okay?" Al asked, concern etched in his face. I too was wondering just what had caused the scrapes and bruises covering her.

"Was it The Alchemy Goddess?" I asked.

She scoffed, "Please! As if! No, I got this from a pack of turkeys. Now I can see why the Suburban Coyote hates those things so much. They are _vicious_!"

Cue the sweat drops.

"Well, at least you're alright," Al stammered.

"You got bested by birds?" Ed snorted.

Kiki frowned and would have responded, violently more than likely, but Mustang growled, "Would you mind getting off my back?"

Kiki tilted her head and looked around with the hint of a sly smirk, "Huh, I could have swore I heard something."

Mustang gave a roar and heaved himself up, almost toppling Kiki over. She found her footing and danced over to me.

"What's he doing here?" she asked me.

I shrugged, "Dunno. We found him with Ed in Quick-draw Caiman's lab."

"…huh. And you didn't leave him there because…?"

"Nice to see you too, Kiki," Mustang said, sounding anything but happy.

She stuck her tongue out at him, "Don't sound so cheerful, Uncle Roy."

"You're weirded out by this too, right?" Ed asked Al as they watched the family exchange from the sidelines.

"Absolutely," Al nodded.

All three of us continued to watch the uncle and niece bicker. Obviously, neither of them enjoyed the other's company. At some point Kiki was accusing Mustang of being jealous of her 'mad skills', which made Mustang ask why he would be jealous of a delinquent such as her(but with a lot more and bigger words).

With a pronounced scowl, Kiki shouted, "Oh, why don't you just remove the stick shoved up your-"

_CRACK!_

All five of us looked up at the sky.

"When did those clouds get there?" Al asked. It was true that shortly before the sky had been crystal clear, and now there were storm clouds colored the darkest shade of gray I'd ever seen. Lightning was skittering across the sky, causing the loud cracking sounds but oddly there was no thunder accompanying it. The wind picked up, causing chills to go up my arms.

"This isn't a normal storm," Ed commented, peering up at the heavy atmosphere.

"Kiki, what did you do now?" I narrowed my eyes accusingly at her.

She laughed nervously, "Heh, what can I say Boss? You know I don't really rub people the right way."

"Just who did you piss off to make _that_ happen?" Ed asked, gesturing towards the sky.

I gasped as my metaphorical light bulb lit, "Kiki! Tell me you didn't"

"…I didn't?" she smiled innocently.

"Really? Really?! Out of everyone in the swamp you had to go piss off Formidable Rain?"

"Formidable Rain?" Al asked the other guys.

Ed waved at him reassuringly, "Don't worry, there'll be an explanation for the readers in the next few seconds."

"It's not like I _meant_ to anger the weather wielder of the swamp!" Kiki protested.

"And there it is," Ed said smugly.

"Wait a minute," Mustang ordered, waving his hands in the universal 'stop' motion. "Let me get this straight, Kiki did something stupid, which doesn't surprise me, and angered someone who controls the weather of the swamp?"

"That's about it," I agreed.

"So that tornado coming straight for us is Kiki's fault?" Al asked, looking away from us distractedly.

"Yep, cause she just _had _to go and- wait, what?" I asked and looked to where Al was watching. True to his word, a whirlwind was headed right for us.

"Run for your lives!" Ed shouted and we all bolted in the other direction.

It was useless though. I mean, how does one escape a tornado? Simple. They _don't_.

As the tornado lifted us up in the air, I yelled, "Team Rocket's blasting off again!"

"Really Boss? A Pokemon reference now of all times?" she asked, exasperated.

"Can you take any situation seriously?" Ed asked me.

"…nope!" I grinned, despite our horrible predicament.

We continued to spiral within the tornado among uprooted trees, debris, and a lone cow until Formidable Rain figured we had enough and dumped us out onto a random street.

"Ow, that hurt," I rubbed my sore back as I stood.

The others picked themselves up too. Kiki was grumbling about finding Formidable Rain and doing unspeakable things to her, Al was busy looking around where we had landed, Mustang asked if we were finally back to civilization, and Ed just gaped at us all.

"Seriously?" he asked us and we all looked at him with questioning expressions. "We just got caught by a tornado and survived and that's _all _you've got to say about this?! Doesn't anyone wonder how the hell we're still alive.

"Aw, don't worry Edo," Kiki grinned and slung an arm around his shoulders, "If someone was gonna die the Boss would have warned the readers of a character death in the summary. The worst we're gonna get here is your potty mouth."

"You're one to talk," he frowned in regards to the potty mouth remark.

Tuning out everyone's chatter, I walked over to where Mustang was looking over a tall stone wall. The stone wall seemed to encase a large establishment of some sort cause I could see the tops of buildings peeking out over the top. To answer Mustang's question, it did appear that we were out of the swamp, what with the buildings and the paved road and lack of…swampy-ness, but it was still weird. This place seemed to be cut off from everything, having no houses or stores anywhere near it.

"What do you see?" I asked Mustang, who had pulled himself up to the top of the wall to see inside.

"A lot of buildings with unfamiliar architecture. There's no one in the area right now but there seem to be a lot of cats."

"Cats?" I asked skeptically. "Sounds like Al's happy place."

"I can see a gate leading inside nearby. We can get in from there," he said, jumping down beside me.

We rounded up the troops and walked the short way to the gate. It was closed and locked but with a little alchemy on Ed's part we gained entry.

"Kitties!" Al squealed happily and greeted his newfound furry friends. Just as Mustang had said the place was crawling with cats…. Um, Toto, we aren't in Kansas anymore.

Suddenly, we heard a bell ring and people began pouring out of the buildings. We huddled closer together, some of the people giving us weird looks. All of the people seemed to be only teenagers. And what the… what were on their foreheads? Oh wait…it couldn't be…

"Guys, I think I know where we are." They all looked at me and I announced, "Welcome to Tulsa, Oklahoma, home to the House of Night."

* * *

><p><strong>Yep, they really are at the House of Night. To those of you who haven't read the books it's the main setting for the House of Night series where fledgling vampires go to school and they're marked with blue crescent moons on their foreheads. The books are a great spin on the vampire trend. So anyway, I'm not really sure what's going to happen next. What do you guys want to see happen with the FMA characters in House of Night?<strong>

**Props for this chapter go to Annabeth Zatsune for giving me the ideas for the alligator. Also, props to Daninuyasha for giving me the idea of the whole getting eaten thing and whatnot. ^_^**

**Thanks goes to: xPoisonedBlueRose13x, Shadow knight1121, ShatterTheHeavens, Eclipsica, i-summon-my-army-of-muffins, Formidable Rain**


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